


Broken down walls

by SoonerOrLater



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sexual Assault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27080179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoonerOrLater/pseuds/SoonerOrLater
Summary: A series of things trigger the one memory David has kept locked up. With Patrick's help he finally tells his family what happened to him one (American) thanksgiving in college. And realises Patrick has broken down more of his walls than he knew.
Relationships: Alexis Rose/Ted Mullins - Relationship, Moira Rose/Johnny Rose, Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 38
Kudos: 198





	Broken down walls

**Author's Note:**

> This contains reference to (but not graphic descriptions) of non-consensual situations. As well as violence (again not graphic). I hope this is a healing story, but be aware those things are central themes. 
> 
> Set somewhere post- Meet the Parents but pre-The Hike, canon compliant for everything to that point (I think!)

Neither of them could quite explain how it happened. An accidental blur of interconnected and totally unconnected things really. As these things are. 

Earlier that night, at the party of someone David didn’t really remember who had something to do with Ray, who was perfectly pleasant, if boring, as was his party. There had been brandy passed around, because that was the kind of party 50 something men around here threw. Patrick and David had taken one. David caught one whiff of the smell and his stomach did a flip. His brain was flashing on a night nearly 16 years ago. He put his to one side, hoping the host didn’t notice. And pushed the thought away. It was in the past, the thought was there for a moment. It was fine. Just a boring party with Ray’s business friends. He tried to concentrate on the conversation about business rates and rents, but found his mind wandering. But Patrick was at his side, passing him snacks and offering the odd smirk at the boring conversation. He was ok. It was just one evening. He could get through one evening. 

When they’d fetched their coats and Patrick had kissed him, he’d still tasted of Brandy and David pulled back, a little too quickly. Patrick looked hurt but they were interrupted mercifully by the loudest of the boring men, and it took another ten minutes to extract themselves. David tried not to taste the brandy in his mouth. Even though he knew it wasn’t really there any more the ghost of it lingered. Too many ghosts of it. 

Outside the crisp air was refreshing. Usually it would snap him back to reality. He loved winter. Obviously sweater weather was very much his season. But tonight it snapped him straight back to 2004 and the coldest winter in New York. He took Patrick’s hand and held on a bit tighter as they walked home. Patrick talked about all the things the larger than life Business Men had been getting wrong. David let him, trying to quiet his own mind with the things Patrick talked about that he didn’t really understand. The anxiety that he was too stupid to understand creeping in. He knew Patrick never meant that. He knew right now he didn’t mean that. And even if David didn’t understand, because he was no longer really listening, the sound of him was reassuring. 

Patrick shifted to chatting about a Professor of his. His favourite economics Professor apparently. He wasn’t really listening until Patrick said something about ‘At his house’ and David accidentally stopped dead. ‘What?’ he asked. ‘Yeah.’ Patrick continued ‘It was one of those weird hangovers from the past, you know an extra class for the nerds at his house. All a bit you know ‘Oxford England’...he was English’ Patrick did a terrible English accent on that and when David didn’t react- or more accurately mock he stopped too. ‘You ok?’

David shook his head. ‘Yeah. Um, just sounded weird ya know? Hanging out at your Professor’s house I thought…’

‘Oh it was weird, but like in a ‘here’s a bunch of real nerds helping this guy proofread his book and doing extra credit courses’ type way.’ Patrick continued. ‘He was nice though. Actually your Dad reminds me of him, you know how he always wants to talk about business like you’re his equal not that you’re some dumb kid?’

David smiled momentarily at that. ‘You do know you’re not a dumb kid now right?’

Patrick smiled, ‘I don’t know, sometimes we all still feel like that right?’

‘Hmm’ David said something prickling at the back of his mind. 

‘Hey maybe this guy was a friend of your Dad’s, he worked in England for a bit right?’

David shuddered involuntarily then, flashes of something in his mind at the edges that he knew he should block out. Not even fully formed thoughts but enough to unsettle him. 

‘David?’ Patrick had stopped, and David realised he had too. 

‘Sorry.’ He said. ‘I thought I’d forgotten something.’

Patrick shrugged. ‘Ok.’ he said, taking David’s hand, again, ‘Christ you’re freezing, let’s hurry up.’

They’d walked the short rest of the way in silence. At least out loud. David’s brain had gone into overdrive. Overdrive in an attempt to stop thinking. He’d managed not to think about it in so long. Now was not the time. Everything was fine, no good can come from it. 

He’d managed to calm himself. They’d settled in with a glass of wine- realising the wild night at Ray’s friends had actually got them home by 10pm. And in the quiet of Patrick’s apartment David felt himself relax again. 

‘Staying?’ Patrick had asked around 11.30 rubbing a hand on David’s thigh. 

‘Mmm’ he said leaning over and kissing him. He tasted of red wine now, and smelled like home. It was all ok. 

They’d moved over to the bed, taking the wine with them, taking it slow. Realising it was one of those nights they had all the time in the world and no inclination to rush. It was David’s favourite kind of sex, slow burn and passionate. So slow burn they hadn’t even got that far when it all went wrong. He was naked, Patrick ever keen to make that happen as fast as possible, was still half dressed and had sat up to remedy that. David had leaned over to take a drink of wine and silence his phone. 

What happened next he couldn’t explain. He knew he felt Patrick’s hands over his eyes. He knew he sent the glass of wine flying. He knew his hand connected with something, Patrick? Maybe. He knew he couldn’t breathe. 

He heard Patrick’s voice. He heard, surely not, laughter? Was Patrick laughing at him? Something clenched inside him. He tried to shut it out. Patrick was speaking now again but he couldn’t hear it. Not really. He couldn’t really see, or hear. Or most importantly breathe. His skin felt like it was on fire. And when Patrick followed him to the ground, where he’d apparently landed, and touched his back, it felt like a hot poker to his skin. He heard himself shout, and felt himself recoil. And he ran. 

Except there was nowhere to run. Except the bathroom. He ran in and locked the door. Kept the light off. He still couldn’t breathe but it felt safer in the cold dark. He heard his name over and over again. Muffled. He grabbed a pile of towels and wrapped them over himself. The bathtub was the furthest point from the door so he huddled there, making himself a nest. Failing to slow his breathing and Patrick spoke to him from the other side of the door. 

Patrick too couldn’t really work out how it happened. They’d been in a tangle of limbs on the bed and after he’d expertly- and swiftly removed all of David’s clothes he’d stood to remove his jeans and throw his shirt on the floor. Looking back he’d considered over and over how David had seemed slightly off earlier that night. But back home they’d fallen back into an easy rhythm with each other, and their lazy making out had been quickly escalating when Patrick had sat up to undress. He was eager to get back to it. So still in his t-shirt and underwear he’d taken one more swig of his wine he’d turned back to David who was twisted away from him also taking a drink. 

He doesn’t know what possessed him. It wasn’t something he’d normally do. But his now-drunk brain thought covering David’s eyes from behind and whispering- he doesn’t even know what now- in his ear. And in a flash everything shifted. He was aware a split second later he’d startled David. More so when the wine glass went flying, and David’s hand- thankfully the back of it- connected with a spot just above Patrick’s eye. It wasn’t a hard blow, just an awkward one, and catching him by surprise sent him off balance, pitching backwards as David moved in the opposite direction. 

Thinking he’d just startled him into a clumsy display of awkwardness, David was nothing if not all limbs and awkward sometimes. Patrick laughed it off. 

‘Whoa, that’s one way to tell me you don’t like my moves and my bad wine’ he said briefly checking there was no blood on his face, it was fine, just sore. Though the wine and brandy had likely numbed it a bit. ‘I guess I’ll have to try harder-’

He cut himself off mid sentence. Something wasn’t right. He’d thought David had just been thrown off balance to the floor, and was, again all limbs, taking a moment to get back up. But he wasn’t moving. He was sort of balled up where he fell. Patrick instandly worried he’d cut himself with the glass, but that had rolled over to the wall contents with it but that didn’t matter. 

‘David’ he said, ‘Did you hurt yourself? He was further away than he thought in the middle of the bed and it was an undignified scramble across there to get to him. ‘Are you hurt?’

The minute he got closer he saw David was breathing heavily. Curled into himself. 

‘Hey’ he reached out a hand to his back, an unconscious, familiar gesture of comfort. David leaped away from his touch. Literally, jumped from where he was and away, as if Patrick had hurt him. He was speaking but not clearly, and before Patrick could reach out to him again, maybe hold him still, he’d got up and run across the apartment to the bathroom. Patrick shouted after him and heard the door click shut. He heard the lock. His stomach had dropped to somewhere near his feet. 

Trying not to let panic rise in his chest he quickly made his way across the apartment. Still calling David’s name. He didn’t know what else to say. 

He knocked on the door. ‘David.’ he said ‘David are you ok? Are you hurt?’ nothing ‘Can I come in? Please?’ 

Inside David pulled a towel around him and over his head, hoping it would help. Protect him. Something stupid like that. 

‘I’m fine’ he managed. 

‘You aren’t fine.’

‘Go to bed. I’ll be-’ he didn’t manage the rest he started to hyperventilate. 

‘David breathe ok?’ Patrick’s voice travelled through the door. How did he know? Neither of them knew, but Patrick had discovered a sixth sense for when David was suffering. Except just now, he cursed himself. Except when it fucking mattered. You did this he told himself. You messed up. You missed the clues something was wrong and you did this.   
‘David breathe ok?’ he pleaded through the door. ‘Can you let me in?’

David couldn’t have moved if he’d wanted to. And even if he’d wanted to, he couldn’t let him see this. Even after everything, this was...next level. Even in his scrambled, currently oxygen starved brain he knew that. 

‘I’m going to stay out here’ Patrick said again. ‘I’m here when you need me ok?’

David cursed how good that man was. His breathing slowed just enough to feel like he wasn’t actually drowning. He closed his eyes and focused on the cold tub under him. On Patrick outside. Try not to think of the thing you’re thinking of. Put a wall between you and it. You’ve had enough practice at that he reminded himself. Just think of something else. Anything. He told himself. He wished he could let Patrick in. Let him scoop him up in his arms and tell him it was ok even if it was a lie. But he was frozen. He couldn’t move. Couldn’t quite breathe, couldn’t think of anything. He was broken, he reminded himself. 

Patrick leaned against the door. He felt so helpless. There must be something he could try, anything. If he could get inside, be with him, help him somehow. Thinking. Something came to him. 

‘David?’ he said to the door, ‘Did you ever do singing lessons? Like as a kid.’

From inside, David registered Patrick’s voice but couldn’t quite formulate a response. Luckily Patrick continued. Even if it wasn’t quite computing the sound of his voice was reassuring. 

‘So there’s this warm up- dunno scales exercise’ Patrick continued ‘It’s called 1 2 1.’ God he hoped this was as helpful as he thought otherwise he was going to sound crazy. ‘But I do it when I need to calm down too...does that make sense?’ No reply he dropped his head in despair. He was scared, scared for David on the other side of that door. He’d been witness to a number of David’s freak outs, from the ridiculous (including moths) to the more serious (usually his fault). But this was different, this was frightening and he knew he had to get in there as soon as possible, he didn’t know why he just did. So he carried on with his only hope. 

‘So you sing up the scale and down.’ he explained, ‘But you kinda go backwards and forwards?’ shit he wasn’t explaining this right. ‘But you can do this thing, where you count off on your fingers too. So you take your left hand.’ he held his own left hand out palm up, ridiculous as David couldn’t see. ‘Then you take your index finger from the right hand and touch the number finger you say.’ He screwed his face up, ‘Please work’ he muttered. ‘Ok David?’ he raised his voice ‘I’m going to do it and you’ll just have to visualise me doing the thing with my hand. Index finger to the number you’re saying. I’ll just say it first.’

He shook his head at himself. And went for it. ‘One’ he touched his index finger to his thumb, ‘One two one’ he did his thumb, left index finger, thumb. ‘One two three two one’ running his finger along the three digits. ‘One two three four three two one’ He could feel himself settling into it now. ‘One two three four five four three two one.’ Was this making any sense? ‘One two three four five six five four three two one.’ he was in a rhythm now, even though he wasn’t singing ‘One two three four five six seven six five four three two one.’ a breath ‘One two three four five six seven eight seven six five four three two one.’ he finished with a flourish on his own fingers. Already feeling the calming influence on his brain. 

He stopped. ‘Have we got it, do you think David?’ he said to the door. ‘Then it gets REALLY interesting, you go backwards.’ He paused, ‘It focuses your brain. Gives you something to focus on. With the hands as well, it’s tactile. It grounds you.’ he paused, ‘My buddy, from School, he had epilepsy, and every time he had a seizure we’d sit and do it together to check his brain was still working. But it calmed him down too.’

Still nothing. Ok, keep going. ‘David, I’m gonna do the whole thing out here. I’m even gonna sing it. Can you do one thing for me?’ silence. ‘I just want you to do one thing, that’s count on your fingers ok? You don’t have to do it out loud just count along with me.’ 

SIlence. Ok just do it Patrick, if nothing else your voice might be helping. 

He started singing, and counting, ‘One, one two one. One two three two one. One two three to one. One two three four three two one. One two three four five four three two one. One two three four five six five four three two one. One two three four five six seven six five four three two one. One two three four five six seven eight seven six five four three two one.’ A breath, ‘Eight, Eight seven eight. Eight seven six seven eight, eight seven six five six seven eight, eight seven six five four five six seven eight, eight seven six five four three four five six seven eight, eight seven six five four three two three four five six seven eight, eight seven six five four three two one two three four five six seven eight’ 

He finished with a triumphant flourish, even though there was nobody there to see. His voice was low and raspy, from the late hour and having not attempted anything more than singing along with the radio in weeks. And that exercise took concentration. He was calmer now, his mind focused a bit. 

‘Ok David, I feel a bit calmer now, how about you?’ nothing. He closed his eyes and bounced his head against the wall. Come on David, he thought, you can do it. ‘Alright, I know you didn’t do that along with me’ he said to the door, a wry smile in spite of everything. ‘So how about we do it once more, and you count along with me, however you want ok?’

‘Ok.’ David’s voice came softly from the other side of the door. 

Patrick breathed. ‘Ok good. So we’re going to count this through once more, then, if you feel a bit better, either i’m going to come in there or you’re going to come out here. Deal?’

‘Ok.’ David said softly again. 

‘Alright then. We’ll take it slow.’ Patrick said. ‘Hand up let’s go.’ he did the same, feeling slightly foolish but if it worked it was worth it. He started; ‘One, one two one. One two three two one. One two three to one. One two three four three two one. One two three four five four three two one. One two three four five six five four three two one. One two three four five six seven six five four three two one. One two three four five six seven eight seven six five four three two one.’ please be working he thought, ‘Eight, Eight seven eight. Eight seven six seven eight, eight seven six five six seven eight, eight seven six five four five six seven eight, eight seven six five four three four five six seven eight, eight seven six five four three two three four five six seven eight, eight seven six five four three two one two three four five six seven eight’ 

Silence. Then a click as David unlocked the door that was never usually locked. Patrick scrambled to his feet, and pushed gently. 

‘Hey’ he said gently. The lights were off in the bathroom, so it was hard to figure out at first where David was. Where he was was wrapped in a mess of towels in the bathtub. He’d scrambled back after unlocking the door. 

‘Am I coming in, or are you coming out?’ Patrick asked gently. 

No response. 

‘Ok I’m coming in then.’ he left the door open so a crack of light illuminated the room enough to see where he was going. He knew better than to try and touch David, so he slumped at the edge of the tub. Resting his head on the cold plastic. For want of anything better to do, he started again with the scale. Halfway through he heard David softly saying numbers along with him. When he finished he started again, David repeating along this time. When they finished the second time Patrick looked over in the dark, David was bundled up in the towels, but he was shivering. 

‘David.’ Patrick said gently, ‘We should get you out of here and into some clothes ok? You’re cold.’

As if Patrick saying it made him realise. Or that it just set off some further stress response David started to shiver more violently. 

‘Ok. Ok let’s move.’ Patrick said standing up. ‘Take my hand’ he said firmly, but gently, holding it out. David scrambled to his feet, losing one of his towels as he did so, getting a panicked look in his eyes as he stepped over the tub, but exposed most of his body. ‘Ok. It’s ok.’ Patrick said, still steadying David with one hand, ‘I’m going to drape this one over you, you grab the other one, k?’

David managed a nod. And in an undignified scramble they wrapped enough towels around him to enable him to make a shuffle from the bathroom. Patrick did it by leading him by the hand, as if he was somehow blind now. He almost felt like it, the world felt blurry at the edges like he couldn’t quite focus in on it. He shook his head a bit trying to clear it and failed. Patrick guided him to the bed and he sat, on one towel which he pulled around himself, and Patrick adjusted the one around his shoulders. 

‘I’m going to get you some clothes ok?’ 

David nodded. 

Patrick rummaged about on the other side of the room, retrieving a T shirt and pajama pants from David’s drawer. He then went under the bed and pulled out one of his old sweaters, and reached down into a drawer and found some socks. He moved back to David, holding out the t-shirt. David squirmed into it, trying not to let his towels drop as he did so. Patrick handed him the pants, he stood and realised his legs felt like jelly. Luckily Patrick reached out an arm, the second he wobbled. Instead he did an undignified wriggle into them on the bed. 

Patrick tried not to let the concern show on his face. David had clearly gone into some kind of shock. He was still shivering, and his legs didn’t quite hold him. 

‘Here’ Patrick said, holding out the hoodie. ‘It’s mine. You can sleep in it, it’ll keep you warm.’

David seemed frozen, so Patrick rolled up the hoodie holding the neck open, like you would to dress a kid. ‘Ok?’ he said, checking before moving closer to David, who nodded. Patrick maneuvered his head into it, then his arms. David let them flop as soon as he was inside it. Patrick was stood so close to him now, but scared to reach out and touch him. Unsure what he needed. 

David felt all the life leave him. Patrick was dressing him. Caring for him, and it hurt him so much that he couldn’t even muster the strength to say thank you. He couldn’t do anything. This had happened before. His brain had just gone blank. He couldn’t see, think or do anything. He was cold he knew. He felt Patrick at his feet now working them into the socks. He felt like a dummy, not thinking not feeling. 

Patrick knelt at the floor a second longer than he needed dropping his head. He patted David’s food subconsciously as he finished one sock, then another. When he finished he paused for a second resting his hands on top of David’s feet. He seemed able to tolerate that touch. Patrick dropped his head again and steadied himself. Whatever this was it was breaking him to watch. He’d never seen David do this before. Drama yes. Freakouts also yes. Even the couple of times he’d really hurt him, he’d withdrawn but that was...conscious withdrawal. Walls coming up. This was...total shutdown. And he felt like it was his fault. 

‘David’ he said, involuntarily. 

‘Be fine.’ David managed to mutter flopping sideways on the bed, then dragging himself up. ‘I’m sorry.’ he half pulled himself half flopped onto the bed and curled onto his side. He was still shivering. He couldn’t seem to stop, the more he thought about it the more he shivered. 

Patrick watched him, helpless, and bit his lip. Even in his most anxious moments there was a kind of residual strength to David, for all he thought he was damaged, that damage had given him an incredible amount of strength. It was heartbreaking and terrifying all at once to see that knocked out of him like this. He was also shivering so violently Patrick was really concerned. He assumed it was shock, or a by-product at least. 

He pulled himself to his feet and pulled at the blankets on the bed. 

‘I’m going to cover you up ok?’ he said, conscious of not startling David again. He was staring straight ahead and didn’t answer. Patrick did so gently, luckily the mess they’d already made of the blankets meant he could pull them free without having to move or touch David. He saw him exhale with the weight of the blankets and assumed he was on the right track. He quickly turned out the main lights and came back to the bed. He perched on his side and watched David for a second. He was still shivering but his breathing seemed to have evened out a bit. 

‘David, can I hold you?’ he asked quietly, ‘Would that be ok? I’d like to.’

‘Mmm.’ David said. 

Patrick moved a little closer, lying down parallel, ‘Yeah?’ he said, checking once more. 

‘Mmm’ David answered. 

‘Ok then. Good.’ Patrick said, and he rolled over the final bit of space between them and wrapped an arm around David’s middle, pulling him tight. He buried his face in his neck and shoulders and held on as tight as he could. He tried to block out David’s start as he first touched him, concentrated on holding on, and willing David’s shaking to slow, his breathing to do the same. It seemed to work, after a minute or so he felt something give a little, and let himself exhale. 

‘I’m sorry for whoever hurt you baby’ he whispered into David’s neck, ‘I’ve got you.’ he breathed into David’s neck ‘I’m sorry I scared you. I’m so, so sorry. I would never do anything to hurt you. I’m here to protect you from all of it I promise.’ 

He’d been in Patrick’s arms for a minute, and the world had slowed finally. And then Patrick spoke the kindest of words while holding him tight and not asking anything more of him. And the dam broke. 

Patrick felt David’s whole body convulse and for a second wondered if he’d got all this terribly wrong and he really was physically ill somehow. And then he heard the sound of a sob escaping from his boyfriend, and another and another. A terrible, visceral sound. Shaking his whole body along with David’s. All he could do was hold on, muttering over and over that he was here into David’s neck, and not letting go. 

David had no idea how long he cried for. He hurt all over, his throat was raw, his stomach ached. But Patrick never once let go. He managed, when he finally calmed down enough, to hold onto Patrick’s hand, to let him know he was conscious enough to know he was there. After a little longer, still crying and unable to stop, he rolled around in Patrick’s arms and reached up and kissed him. He wanted him to know it wasn’t him. He hadn't done anything wrong. He thought he felt Patrick’s face damp with tears as well, but his own face was soaked by then and it was impossible to tell. 

When David rolled over and kissed him, Patrick felt the part of him that was holding on break as well, and he let some tears escape. Out of sheer helplessness. He knew what David was trying to tell him- that it wasn’t his fault, and he let him. He rolled him over into his chest and held him there instead. Letting the sobs finally give way to a more gentle, somehow even more heart wrenching cry. He felt his t-shirt get damp under David’s face. Patrick held on until he felt David finally collapse with exhaustion. Even then he made sure he held on tight, just in case he woke up again. 

He lay there all night cursing every person who had ever done David wrong. He knew there was a litany of people who had carried out hurt to him. From the bad boyfriends, to the people who had used him for his family connections and money. To the friends who abandoned him. To everyone who had ever laughed at him. Patrick wasn’t a violent man by nature, but he’d happily hurt any of them. He also had a sinking feeling in his stomach. This, whatever this was tonight, clearly stemmed from something much darker than the usual elements that had built David’s defences sky high. In the last two years those defences had come down slowly. And there was a part of Patrick that felt responsible for how David was feeling. If he hadn’t lowered those defences, maybe David wouldn’t be feeling this way. 

Rationally, he knew he was wrong. Rationally he knew David had been triggered by something - also he felt partly his fault. And rationally he knew it wasn’t his fault, just an unhappy accident. Rationionally he could also take a guess at what the trauma David was reacting to was, and part of him couldn’t bear to think about it. 

Several hours passed and David slept. And Patrick just lay there, protecting him. Somewhere around four am, as Patrick dozed there was a loud shout, and he was awoken by a sharp pain to his stomach. It took him valuable seconds, and hearing David scream- a noise he had never heard before and never wanted to again- to realise David had woken himself from a nightmare. 

‘Hey! Hey! David I’m here, I’m here.’ he said scrambling to sit up. David hadn’t managed to bolt this time, he was sitting looking bewildered in the bed, fighting for breath again. This time as soon as Patrick reached for him he crumpled, clearly exhausted into his arms. 

He didn't remember waking up. He did immediately register Patrick’s voice. And felt his arms reaching the mercifully short distance between them. And felt himself falling into him again. This time snaking his arms around him, and his legs around him. Ordinarily he’d worry about squashing him a bit but today he clung on tight. He didn’t remember the dream. He didn’t want to. But he also didn’t want to go back to sleep. 

‘Talk to me’ he muttered his voice raspy, his throat dry. 

‘Hmm?’ Patrick asked, his hand working up into David’s hair. David shifted his head so it was hopefully less muffled. ‘Would you...talk to me?’ he exhaled hoping he wouldn’t have to explain. 

Patrick got it. And there was no real chance of him getting any sleep anyway. ‘Sure.’ he said, ‘What about’ 

‘Anything’ David muttered, ‘Baseball.’ 

Patrick chuckled in spite of himself and kissed David’s head. ‘Ok. Baseball.’ he said, and launched into the most detailed explanation of the rules of baseball he could muster. When he finished that he went on to the most detailed history of the Blue Jays he could, thankfully years of his Dad’s stories helped with that. When he got through that, and even though David was asleep finally, he carried on with a long explanation of several papers on Economic theory he’d written at college. Finally he muttered how much he loved him, and that he’d take care of him, and then for want of anything else to say he started describing his favourite sweaters. 

Around 6 when the light crept in David stirred again. 

‘And the grey one with the white flowers on it. That one is really soft’ Patrick was saying. 

‘It’s Gucci’ David muttered. 

‘Hmm’ Patrick said, running a hand over his back. ‘They make a soft sweater then.’ he repeated the motion, as if gently bringing David into consciousness. ‘I think I’ve officially run out of sweaters to describe now.’ he kissed the top of David’s head gently. Felt him hum a little. Giving him confidence things were a little more even. 

‘Gonna get up a second ok?’

‘Hmm’ David extracted himself enough to let Patrick move. Patrick moved the covers back over him as he got up. He went to the bathroom, splashing his tired face after he was finished. Then to the kitchen where he flicked on the kettle, and filled the biggest glass he could find with water. While the kettle boiled he took the water over to the bed and placed it on the bedside table. Then went back to pour the water on two teabags. Fixing the tea with a little extra sugar even than David’s usual two spoonfuls, and taking it back to the bed. He perched on David’s side and put his hand on his leg. 

‘Hey, sit up a minute ok.’ 

David groaned a bit but complied, blinking fully awake for the first time. Patrick took him in for a second. His face was blotchy and still a bit red, his eyes also. He looked wrecked frankly. 

‘Here’ Patrick held out the water. And rummaging in the bedside table found a bottle of Advil and took out two. ‘Take these, and drink all that. You’re dehydrated, let’s get a headstart on that headache.’

David nodded and did as he was told, downing the glass of water, and the pills. ‘You know I could always steal something stronger from my Mom and really knock it on the head.’ he quipped. His voice was low and raspy. 

Patrick stood up, kissed the top of his head, went to the kitchen and refilled the water and brought it back. He nodded to the bedside table where he’d put both of them ‘Tea’ he said, then hovered as second. David scooted up in the bed pulling his knees to him and Patrick handed him the mug which he wrapped his hands around. ‘I’m going to shower.’ Patrick said. ‘If you’re…’

David nodded ‘I’m fine.’ 

Patrick nodded, unconvinced, but crossed the short distance to the bathroom anyway. He knew David knew he didn’t quite push the door to, so he might hear if David somehow needed him. With the water running though, he gave himself a moment, just a moment, to cry. It wasn’t fair. It really wasn’t that someone so good as David got treated this way by...whoever. It had started as a joke but good was truly what he thought of when he thought of David. In everything he did- at least since Patrick had known him, and maybe always had he been given the chance, he’d been nothing but good to everyone he knew. Better than Patrick sometimes he thought. 

He dried off and padded back into the bedroom wrapped in a towel. David the glass was empty and David was curled on his side, tea still in hand, eyes closed. He probably wasn’t asleep but Patrick got dressed quietly anyway, just in case. When he was ready he walked over to David’s side and crouched down. 

‘Hey.’ he said ‘I’m going to go and open up.’

David flicked open his eyes and Patrick gave him a half smile taking the mug from him. 

‘It’s early’ David said. 

‘I know.’ Patrick said. ‘But we’ve got that delivery.’

‘Hmm’ David nodded, thankfully not remembering there was no delivery. 

‘You don’t have to come in today.’ Patrick continued. ‘Stay here if you like, sleep. I’ll come home at lunchtime.’ 

‘Hmm’ David said. 

‘I can stay if you need me to.’ Patrick knew, again instinctively that David needed some space right now. 

He flicked his eyes open again. ‘No it’s fine.’ he said ‘I’ll be in later.’

‘Ok.’ Patrick said, ‘If you change your mind, text me. I’ll come home at lunchtime.’

‘Mmm’ David said, his eyes closing again. 

‘I love you David, you know that.’ Patrick said just before he stood up. 

He felt David grab at his hand as he did, which pulled him back down. He planted a kiss on his temple, just as David muttered ‘Love you.’

He dozed for a while. Exhaustion creeping in. But by around 8 he was wide awake again. He could feel his mind whirring again. His eyes opened and fell on the wine stain on the floor. Patrick must have picked up the glass, but the pinkish red of the wine had splashed up the wall and stained the carpet. He should clean it up. 

He hauled himself out of bed. Everything hurt. His stomach and sides ached from crying, and he felt like he’d been hit by a bus. The Advil had probably staved off the worst of the headache but not entirely. He downed the remaining glass of water, thinking that going and stealing his Mom’s pills didn’t sound like such a bad idea. Though he’d promised himself no more of that. Patrick wouldn’t approve. He imagined Patrick had never taken anything stronger than Advil actually. But also he didn’t want to be that person anymore. He was the person who stole his Mom’s sleeping pills because of all that, all those people. He didn’t want to be that person but last night had been a reminder he still was, at least a little. 

He could choose to be something else though. He could choose to be the person who cleans up the mess he made- literally. He went to the kitchen, rummaged through the cupboards until he found Patrick’s bucket of cleaning supplies. Despite not having lived here long he of course had something for every cleaning emergency. David found carpet cleaner, some kind of spray foam thing, and a sponge and took it over to the wine stain. He sprayed it, and with a satisfying noise it spurted out. ‘Leave for 10 minutes’ the instructions said. Now he was up, maybe he should clean up some more. 

He started with the bed. Making it neatly, just how Patrick, ok just how he liked it. Then he tidied the bedside tables, giving them a quick dust and wipe down. He hung a couple of bits of Patrick’s clothes up, and tidied the shirts sticking untidily from the shelves. He moved into the living room, putting away the few bits and pieces that Patrick had lying around- he was almost as neat as David, but he didn’t mind a bit of clutter. David tidied some books and magazines, a stray cup that was under the coffee table and straightened the coasters. He found some wood polish and polished the tables. And the mantlepiece, carefully dusting the prints propped up there too. He wiped the window sills. Dusted around the array of succulents that seemed to be multiplying, Patrick for some reason had a fondness for bringing the half dead ones home from the store. 

Surely the wine stain was ‘done’ now, he decided. So he filled the bucket with some water, and went to it. It was better. But not gone. He sprayed it again. Another ten minutes then. 

He moved to the kitchen next. Wiping all the surfaces down. He got the little brush out and swept the non-existent dirt from the floor. Then got the vacuum out and sent it around the already clean floors. He knew Patrick was, not fastidious about cleaning, but about routine, and the apartment got cleaned every Saturday without fail. Whether or not David helped, or got in the way, or tried to distract him. It was Friday, and despite being due its weekly clean, there was nothing that really required his attention. Still he kept on. 

Returning to the stain which was now a pinkish colour, he scrubbed and scrubbed again. One more dose surely should do it. 

The bathroom was all that was left. He scrubbed and bleached and rinsed. He re-organised Patrick’s toiletries. Such as they were. He looked at this face in the mirror. Not even his skincare routine could help that. He washed his face, while he was there. He picked up his razor to start shaving, see if that improved things. But his hand was shaking. He debated borrowing Patrick’s eclectic razor but decided better of it. He applied some eye cream and hoped for the best. He hadn’t showered yet. It could wait. 

He went back to the stain. Still pink. Still there. He sprayed it again, and this time sat there and watched it. The foam turned a pleasing pink tinge as it absorbed into the carpet. He scrubbed and scrubbed, his fingers turned raw from the chemicals and the water and still nothing. In frustration he threw the sponge at the wall. It bounced with a disappointing thud and slid down. 

‘Useless.’ He muttered. And then he was crying again. He couldn’t even muster the strength to feel upset at himself for crying. Over the stupid sponge and the stupid stain and his stupid self. He let the sobs take over for a minute, not fighting it. He couldn’t go on like this. He thought about going back to the Motel. About taking some pills and knocking himself out for the day, waking up when it had all gone away. But he couldn’t quite muster the energy. So instead he lay down where he was, next to the bed, curled on his side, tucking his elbow under his head and staring at the stupid wall and the stupid stain and let tears run down his face. He’d just lie here for a bit, he decided. Then he’d get up and get ready. 

Patrick caught sight of the small but growing bruise on his temple first thing. Shit. It wasn’t big, but David would notice obviously. He must have caught his ring there. He could easily style it out as a baseball injury. Even something he’d done in the store. Nobody would need to know. 

David would know, he cursed, knowing it would send David into a total spiral. He wondered if there was any way to cover it up. They had some tinted moisturizer. He could try. While he considered it he checked his phone for what felt like the 100th time in the last hour. He knew David wouldn’t text. He knew he was fine at home. He was safe, he was probably still sleeping. If he needed him, he knew where he was. Still he kept checking. He also weirdly hoped he would stay home until lunchtime. Because he needed to figure out how to handle this. 

All the other stuff he could do. All the other stuff had either been sort of his fault (or a lot his fault) or some quirk of the way David handled relationships that he’d been able to get his head around. Being guarded because people hurt you, he got that. Being scared in case you got hurt, he really got that. But this was obviously something else. Something David- and he- needed to handle, but one he was totally at a loss to. 

It had been a busy morning, and he soon forgot temporarily about the bruise, worry about David still lurked in the corner of his mind. But he was able to distract himself for a bit with customers, and restocking and some admin. At about 10 Stevie turned up. And the first words she said after hello were; 

‘What’s that on your face?’

Patrick’s hand instinctively went up to his mouth then his cheek. Then he remembered. He touched above his eye and winced. It was clearly bruised. He grabbed the mirror off the counter. There was indeed a small but noticeable bruise spreading across from his eye to his temple. 

‘Fuck’ he muttered. ‘Sorry.’ he poked at it and winced again. 

‘Poking it is not going to help.’ Stevie said ‘Did you really suck at baseball practice this week or something?’

‘I wish.’ he said, without thinking then ‘Um yeah, I mean that’s it, got blindsided by a ball. Stupid.’

Stevie narrowed her eyes. ‘See I would believe you. Mainly as you aren’t as good as you think you are and I could kick your ass.’ she leaned over and took his chin in her hand examining the bruise, giving it a tentative poke. He winced and waved her off. ‘Second you didn’t have baseball practice because it’s the middle of winter and I know you and David were at that party with Ray’s weirdo friends last night. Yes he texted me.’

Patrick half smiled in spite of everything. Of course. Then he frowned. ‘When did he text you?’

Stevie shrugged, getting out her phone ‘Dunno, about nine maybe?’ she pulled it out and looked, ‘Uh, 9.15 ‘Ray’s friends all wearing poly-blend suits this is how I die’ then ‘Patrick looks hot in this pale blue sweater I got him though’ - just in case your ego needed a boost.’

‘Thanks.’ Patrick said not responding with the smug gloat Stevie would expect.

‘Oh hold on there’s one more, I must have read it half asleep after he sent it ‘Ugh Brandy, they’ve handed out brandy and you know how I feel about that.’ Damn.’ Stevie muttered. ‘Was he ok?’

‘Why?’ Patrick frowned. 

She shrugged ‘You know his thing about brandy.’

Patrick frowned and shook his head. 

‘Ooh’ Stevie said ‘Well it’s no big deal, just you know one of his David things.’

‘In what way?’ Patrick said swallowing a lump in his throat. 

‘I don’t know.’ she said leaning on the counter with a shrug, clearly not aware of the impact what she was telling him was having ‘I just tried to give him some once, because some dude at the Motel had left a bottle behind, and free booze is free booze right? And he freaked out a bit - like you know just the usual David overreaction to a suggestion’ Patrick winced a bit, ‘But then it turns out some dodgy ex of his used to drink it- and make him drink it- and he can’t stomach it. I mean we all have it right, there is a reason I don’t drink tequila….’

She trailed off. Patrick had turned an even paler shade than usual and was looking wide eyed like she’d just told him Santa wasn’t real. ‘Um, Patrick?’ she straightened up. 

‘Fuck.’ he muttered. Pieces slowly started to fall into place. ‘Did he um, did he say anything else about that ex?’

Stevie shrugged, trying to remember, ‘Not really.’ she thought ‘Actually no, he weirdly shut down after he explained about the Brandy. Normally I’d get at least one ridiculous story or cutting remark about their fashion sense, or what happened since but this guy...nothing.’

Patrick nodded. And rubbed a hand over his face, forgetting the bruise on his temple. ‘Fuck!’ he cried out in pain and slammed his fist on the counter. 

Stevie looked startled. ‘Whoa! Patrick are you ok?’ she asked ‘What happened?’ 

Patrick leaned for a second steadying himself. He knew he could tell Stevie. He knew David would understand. He needed someone right now in his corner too. He leaned his elbows on the counter and bowed his head. Stevie noticed for the first time that he looked totally exhausted. And not in a ‘went to a party and stayed up late with my boyfriend’ way. He looked drained. 

‘Patrick.’ she said, ‘did something happen? Is David ok?’

He thought about reassuring her. Instead he just shook his head. ‘I don’t know.’ he said finally looking up, realising tears were pricking at his eyes ‘I don’t know Stevie.’ something caught in his throat and the exhaustion and the fear caught up with him and he was crying. 

And Stevie was the other side of the counter and hugging him, and he was holding on to her, crying. This was stupid, it wasn’t him that had something...wrong. But he was so tired, and scared about what might be going on. Stevie just let him be for a minute, then pulled back as he steadied himself. ‘I’m gonna grab a chair.’ she said, ‘And we’re gonna talk. And if anyone comes in, you hide in the back and I’ll do my best customer service.’

Patrick nodded, too beaten to make a quip about Stevie and David’s customer service skills. 

She grabbed a couple of chairs for them and scooted Patrick’s just inside the doorway of the storeroom for optimal hiding purposes. Hers, angled so she could see the door over the counter. Patrick seemed to relax a bit. 

‘I have to ask.’ Stevie said, ‘He’s my friend, but I have to.’ she gestured at his temple. 

‘Oh God. No.’ Patrick said. ‘I mean yes. But it was an accident. I swear.’

Stevie sat to attention. ‘Start talking.’ she said. 

He nodded swallowing. ‘I was stupid. It was my fault, I didn’t notice he was...spiralling.’ Patrick said. ‘He was acting a bit off at the Party, but it was a stupid boring party, and I thought he was just bored. And when we walked home, he was quiet but I just...I should have realised it was something more. But we got home and everything seemed fine and…I should have realised...but we had a drink and it seemed normal again and then he..’ he realised he was rambling. Lack of sleep was clearly interfering with his ability to form sentences. 

‘Patrick. Breathe.’ Stevie said. He did. 

‘We were, getting ready for bed.’ he said ‘well you know.’

Stevie raised an eyebrow to indicate she did. 

‘I did a stupid thing. I snuck up on him from behind, covered his eyes- I was drunk, we both were. And that’s when it happened.’ he gestured at his eye. 

‘Ok, so you surprised him, and he, what? accidentally clocked you in the eye?’ Stevie frowned, this seemed like a lot for what seemed like one of David’s octopus-limbs finally going awry and connecting with something. Honestly she was surprised that the substantially smaller Patrick hadn’t got it in the face before now from an exuberant gesture. 

Patrick wasn’t finished. He had to just plough on now. ‘Well yeah, at first I just thought that- I mean it’s easily done right you’ve watched him tell a story.’ he tried and failed to make light of it and subconsciously touched his head. And winced. ‘I thought that’s what happened, but then... He just...lost it. Like I went to help him up- I thought he’d just fallen off the bed, and again you know he’s not...coordinated shall we say, I just thought he’d lost his balance, I’d patch up his pride and we’d...get back to it.’ he made a face, sorry to have shared quite so much. But really he was delaying. ‘He shot up like I’d burned him or something. Literally from my touch he... he...he ran away. He locked himself in the bathroom and I couldn’t get him out.’ Stevie was listening intently, her face darkening with worry. Eventually I did. But he was shaking all over. So I got him dressed and into bed.’ Patrick stalled, remembering ‘and then he cried, but like I’ve never seen anyone cry before.’ his face crumpled as he tried to finish telling the story, but he put his head in his hands instead. He felt Stevie reach over and rub his back. ‘I didn’t know what to do to help him. So I just held him. And then he woke up screaming. So I stayed up talking all night to keep him calm.’ he couldn’t lift his head. 

‘You did everything right.’ she said ‘You did your best.’ 

Patrick straightened up and wiped his eyes. ‘What do I do?’ he asked ‘Have you, I mean did he ever…’

Stevie leaned back in her chair rubbing her hands on her jeans. ‘I’ve seen him freak out, like really freak out.’ she said slowly, ‘I’ve calmed him down from what I know were anxiety attacks he wouldn’t admit to- he’s reorganised the Motel cupboards more times than I can count- but I’ve never, I mean nothing like…’ she looked at him wide eyed and helpless. ‘I know when they moved here he didn’t sleep- I took him to Ted- no really to Ted, who told him it was a panic attack...but that was like insomnia and palpitations it wasn’t...that.’ she frowned, ‘I mean clearly something tipped him over into...that.’ she frowned at him ‘was he...ok? I mean you left him…’

Patrick looked worried ‘You don’t think he’d...I mean, he’s never talked about hurting himself right. Should I have? Fuck.’ Patrick was starting to panic now. 

‘No. I mean not that I know. I just mean how was he? This morning?’

Patrick forced himself to slow down, he’d known David was ok when he left him. He had. Any inkling he wouldn’t have. ‘He was sleeping.’ he said ‘well dozing. I told him I’d come home at lunchtime if he didn’t come in. Check on him. He was calm. Tired.’

Stevie nodded. ‘He probably just crashed out and went back to sleep.’ she could see how stressed Patrick was making himself ‘You’d have known not to leave him.’

He nodded slowly. His brain was starting to swim into focus again now. Pieces falling into place. ‘So if Brandy is a no-go, this has to be something to do with that ex right?’ he rubbed a hand through his hair. ‘Fuck Stevie, what happened to him.’ 

He didn’t give her a chance to answer that. Checking his phone again, again no messages he looked at Stevie, and without him having to answer she nodded. ‘Of course.’

‘Just an extended lunch break. I’m going to bring him back here this afternoon. I’ll…’ he shrugged ‘Try and talk to him.’ 

Stevie nodded. ‘Take your time. Mr Rose and Roland were pretending they knew how to fix the light fittings when I left and I have no desire to be there when the short the whole place.’ she smiled, besides she really needed to know David was ok before she could concentrate on work. 

Patrick jumped up and hugged her tightly. Grabbed his phone and keys and rushed out. 

The next thing David was aware of was the sound of the door. Patrick came in not, rushed exactly but not exactly relaxed. 

‘David?’ and relief on his face was clear when David jerked to a sitting position on the floor. Then confusion. Then concern again as he rushed to him, ‘David are you ok? Did you fall?’

He was across the room and kneeling there before David could really sit up. ‘No I um, lay down.’

‘Oh thank God.’ Patrick threw his arms around his neck. David instinctively wrapped his arms around his waist and held on. 

‘Sorry.’ David said into his neck. 

‘It’s fine. I was being stupid. I knew you were here.’ Patrick said, pulling back and looking at him. ‘What are you…’ he glanced over at the wet patch on the floor ‘You didn’t need to do that’

‘It wouldn't’ come out.’ David said ‘I’m sorry, I’ve lost you your security deposit.’ 

Patrick couldn’t help it, he laughed. Then reached up a hand to David’s cheek as he looked hurt. ‘It’s Ray. You know I can sweet-talk him into everything.’ he looked over at the stain, ‘Anyway I quite like the pink.’ 

David smiled weakly and rubbed his neck. It seemed he was far too old to take a nap on the floor. He frowned at Patrick ‘It’s not lunchtime already.’ he said. 

‘Early lunch.’ Patrick said, ‘Really early.’ he stood up and gestured for David’s hands, and hauled him to his feet. 

‘Shower. While I make...well Brunch I guess. But not the kind of Brunch you take hours over- functional Brunch.’ 

David felt himself being steered across the apartment towards the bathroom. Patrick was in take-charge mode, and there was- in no circumstances- any point in fighting with that, unless you were looking for a fight. One of the stupid argument’s they’d had ended up being over David’s lack of inclination to be bossed on a furniature shopping expedition and further organsied by take-charge-Patrick into an apartment organising day not long after he’d moved in. The day had ended in a shouting match about the coffee table, and luckily some far better making up after. David had learned, stupid arguments aside, he quite liked Patrick taking charge, especially when his brain was in overdrive it meant he didn’t have to think about what he was doing or when. 

Oh. 

He stopped dead in his tracks, almost wrong-footing Patrick who was still steering him. 

‘What David?’ he asked, ‘You ok?’

‘You’re being Bossy-Patrick.’ he said using their nickname for it. 

‘Yes I am.’ he didn’t even blink. ‘You’re going to shower, then eat, then come to the Store with me for the afternoon.’ 

‘But earlier you said stay home and sleep.’ David blinked at him, not really arguing but out of habit putting up a fight. 

‘I changed my mind. This will do you good.’ Patrick said ‘Am I wrong?’

David half rolled his eyes. Patrick was, though he hated to admit it. Rarely wrong. ‘I guess.’ he said. 

‘Good.’ Patrick folded his arms. ‘Go on then.’ he nodded towards the bathroom. As he did, and just before he turned to go, David saw him frown, ‘Did you clean?’ 

David looked down, ‘I was waiting for the stain stuff and…’ he shrugged. 

Patrick got it. Whenever David was stressed the store got reorganised, often to the point he couldn’t find anything for days. He nudged David towards the bathroom again. ‘Shower.’ 

David complied. Clicking the door shut behind him. Patrick was of course right. He needed to be busy today. As tired as he was sitting at home thinking all day. He needed the Store. The calm feeling of control it gave him wasn’t something he’d thought about a lot, but he knew he always felt safe there. Also it was their place, his and Patrick’s, and it was hard not to feel calmed by that. Mostly though if he was there he could keep busy, and busy enough that he could collapse into bed tonight and sleep this off. 

Of course it niggled at the back of his brain that Patrick wasn’t going to let this just pass without talking about it. But if he spent today convincing him he was ok, then he might be able to avoid really talking about it. For now he told himself, concentrate on getting out of the door and to the Store. The rest will come later. 

He showered. Made the best of his skin and hair that no sleep and the knowledge Patrick would be clock watching outside allowed. He quickly dressed in the bedroom while he heard Patrick clinking plates behind him. He felt weirdly self conscious getting dressed. Patrick had his back to him, but he dressed hurriedly, like he was hiding something. No, he told himself. Don’t think. Just get out the door. 

Patrick put a plate down in front of him with two waffles and some berries on them. ‘Just the frozen ones I’m afraid.’ he said ‘Functional brunch.’

David didn’t care; he was suddenly starving. Patrick also placed a glass of orange juice in front of him. No coffee he noted. And despite the creeping exhaustion he knew that was for the best. He didn't’ need to be more on edge. He downed half the glass of orange juice. Feeling Patrick’s eyes on him he muttered ‘My throat is really sore.’ between bites. Secretly - or probably not so secretly, the frozen waffles were his favourite. He’d developed a love of ‘junk food’ as a teen, and during the years he fended for himself for the first time in college. After years of meals prepared by a chef it was...a weirdly liberating thing to eat out of a packet. He watched Patrick out of the corner of his eye picking at his waffles. One of the many ways in which they were opposites was where David turned to food in times of stress (and most other times if he was honest) Patrick immediately lost his appetite. It was already a good indicator that something was mildly wrong if he didn’t finish his food. And as he never volunteered anything without gentle coaxing it was a good way of reading his mood. David finished his waffles and downed the rest of the juice. Barely looking up from his plate Patrick put the one untouched waffle from his plate on David’s before taking a last bite out of the half eaten one and getting up to clear the plate. 

‘Hey.’ David muttered between bites, gesturing at the plate. 

‘You’re not eating my half eaten waffle. That’s disgusting.’ 

David raised an eyebrow. ‘You’ve seen me eat worse. And I am disgusting. As you frequently tell me.’

Patrick flicked the waffle onto his plate. ‘Your eating habits are disgusting.’ he took a step back towards the table and leaned down kissing the top of David’s head ‘You aren’t.’

David paused eating to snake an arm around Patrick’s waist, leaning into his stomach. He felt Patrick bring a hand up to his hair briefly. Then felt him squeeze and pat his head. ‘Right, my human trashcan. Eat up, we need to get back to work.’

He picked up the rest of the plates, leaving them in the sink. David finished the rest of the food with impressive speed even for him. And even managed to get ready to leave within ten minutes, which again was impressive. 

They got out into the hall and Patrick stopped. Again, David nearly collided with him. He turned to face David and looked up. ‘This is ok right? You’re ok with going into work?’

David’s nose twitched a bit, and he nodded. ‘You’re right.’ he said ‘This is better.’ 

Patrick nodded and offered his hand, which David took. ‘Let’s go.’ 

David couldn’t explain it, but halfway to the Store he was overwhelmed by a feeling of not being able to do it. He felt safe there, he knew Patrick was right, it was the right thing to do. But he suddenly couldn’t. He stopped dead in the pavement, halting Patrick who was walking with an arm protectively around his waist.

‘I um, I don’t know if I can…’ he was breathing erratically and on the verge of full panic. Patrick took a couple of steps back towards him and rested his hands on his waist. 

‘Ok, ok.’ he said. ‘I think it’ll be good for you, some routine. But if you really can’t, you can’t.’

David looked upwards. And the idea settled in. Not one he was proud of. But one that would get him through the day, and the next couple if he needed it. 

‘I think I’ll just go back to the Motel for a bit.’ he said, swallowing, ‘Change my clothes, take a nap maybe?’

Patrick nodded, that seemed reasonable. As much as his apartment was as much David’s by now, it was still his space, and the Motel for everything else it might be, was also home. Maybe David needed that. 

‘Ok.’ Patrick nodded. ‘Try and come back later if you can...and if not I’ll come by after work?’

David nodded slowly. He’d be fine in a few hours. Even if his plan was to artificially engineer fine. ‘Meet you back at your place?’ he said. 

Patrick nodded. He had to let David do what he needed to do. ‘Call me if you need me.’

They walked as far as they could before David needed to veer off towards the motel. Patrick hugged him tightly and sent him on his way. He texted Stevie to keep an eye out as he walked back to the Store. 

Patrick shook his head at Stevie as he walked in. ‘He’s gone back to the Motel.’ he said, feeling like he’d failed. 

‘You got him up and out though.’ Stevie said with a nod. ‘Maybe he just needs some space.’

Patrick nodded. ‘Do you have to get back? Or..’

She shook her head. ‘I’ll go and get us some coffee.’

David let himself into the Motel on his and Alexis’ side and was relieved to see she wasn’t there. Her ‘home office’ was it’s usual disarray which might mean she hadn’t gone far. Everything seemed quiet. 

‘Mom?’ he shouted just to be sure. And even though he knew his Dad would be in the office with Stevie ‘Dad?’

Nothing. He moved to the adjoining room door and went inside, nobody there. He went straight to his Mom’s bedside table and fiddled with the drawer. Although this wasn’t as regular a habit as it had been when they lived at home, he knew exactly what he was looking for and where it was. His Mom maintained an extensive collection of pills, and one he noticed that had been expanded to include a few Bosnian additions now. Not the time to be trying those he grabbed six of each that he needed. His hand hovered over the strongest ones, the ones his Mom never took any more really. He’d never stolen before either. Maybe just in case. He grabbed a bottle. Knowing she wouldn’t miss them. He’d just bring them back again. He was shoving them, and the extra pills into his pockets just as the door next door slammed. 

‘DAD?’ Alexis’ voice as she burst into their parents room. David shoving the pills into his pocket quickly. 

‘Oh. You’re not Dad.’ she said, tossing her hair back. 

‘No.’ he said getting up. 

‘Um. What are you doing David?’ 

‘Um. Leaving.’

‘David.’ She said folding her arms. ‘I thought you didn’t steal Mom’s pills anymore.’

‘I don’t. I wasn’t...I have a headache. I was looking for Advil.’ 

‘We both know Mom doesn’t believe in Advil. And don’t you have any at Patrick’s?’ she looked at him properly for the first time ‘Jesus David you look like death.’

‘See.’ he said, finding a shred of energy to be beliguent for a second ‘I told you I was sick.’

He went to move past her into their room. She followed. Obviously. 

‘I know that look David.’ she said behind him. ‘What happened.’

‘I’m fine.’ he said going into the wardrobe to look for a change of clothes. ‘I’m tired. I have a headache. I therefore am looking less than my best.’ he slammed the door open, parting the hangers with more force than strictly necessary. He found the sweater he was looking for- the grey Gucci- and pulled it out. In trying to extract himself from his current sweater he somehow got stuck, yanking at it, struggling to get an arm out. Panic rose, and he couldn’t breathe again. He squirmed and squirmed and felt panic taking hold. 

‘Alexis!’ he shouted ‘I can’t, I mean I’m, I can’t’ 

She jumped up from her bed and ran to him. ‘Ok Ok. God Dav-id’ she pulled him out of the jumper, and saw his face seeing how panicked he was. ‘Sit down.’ she said. And to her surprise he complied. Partly because he looked like he might fall down, but he stumbled over to her bed and flopped there in his t-shirt. 

‘Here.’ she said sorting out his jumper and holding it out to him. He didn’t move, he was looking down at the floor. ‘Uggh’ she said, and went to him forcing his head through it in a slightly undignified way, and pulling his arms up. It felt like when he’d let her play dress up as a kid, skinny and long limbed until his mid teens he’d been a perfect fit for their Mom’s dresses...and her perfect dress up toy. As quick as that memory flashed Alexis remembered the other times she’d dressed him, either when he was out of his mind on drink or drugs, or a couple of times when. 

It hit her. The blank expression. The panic. The pills. She finished pulling the jumper down. 

‘David.’ she said kneeling in front of him. 

‘What.’ he said, finally looking at her. He really did look like death. 

‘Ok first of all David promise me you haven’t taken anything aside from Mom’s pills. I mean I have no idea how you’d score anything in a town like this, though they do say the Meth capital of the world is like nowheresville West Virginia.’

‘Ew. No.’ David said. ‘You know I don’t do anything like that any more.’

‘Just checking.’ She said. ‘So it’s…’ she didn’t need to say. She’d picked him up off the floor often enough. She kicked herself for not instantly seeing it. 

‘Yes.’ he said. 

‘How bad?’ she put her hands on his knees and leaned on him, all big eyed and concerned. She’d always been good with him at times of genuine crisis- when she was around, but the new always there Alexis was sometimes still unnerving. 

‘Bad.’ he swallowed. Then rolled his eyes. There was no point trying to hide it. ‘Well first I totally freaked out right when we were about to have sex. Then I accidentally hit my boyfriend in the face. Then I locked myself in the bathroom and he had to calm me down enough to get me out. Then I sobbed for hours. Then I had a nightmare and nearly punched him again. And then I couldn’t look at him this morning.’ 

Alexis just nodded along. ‘And what did Patrick say.’

David laughed then started to cry. ‘He said he’d come home at lunchtime to check on me. And he was there by 10.30 picking me up off the floor- literally.’ he looked down ‘And then I ran away from him.’ 

She pulled herself onto the bed and sat next to him. ‘Do you need me to remind you that it’s different now then.’ she stroked the back of his head, like she used to do when they were kids ‘Apart from you running away.’ 

He wiped his eyes and pretended not to see as she tapped a one handed text to Patrick ‘David with me at the motel x’

‘Was it Peter?’ she asked. 

‘Mmm hmm’ he said leaning his face in his hands. Alexis was the only one who knew. She’d come to get him in a cab the night he’d finally said no. She’d picked him up from a freezing snowy street corner and gone back to his apartment with him. She’d helped him out of his freezing, soaking clothes from standing on the street corner and bundled him into a bath. And she’d waited, with an array of alcohol on offer and also a kettle boiling. And she’d stayed a full week. That Alexis never stayed anywhere that long for anyone unless they were an oil baron, so he knew it was bad. They’d never spoken of it again, but any time he took a particularly dark turn and she was around he knew she knew. And somehow she knew how to handle him like this. 

‘Was it- and don’t freak out, or go into too much detail because ew- was it something Patrick, you know did…’ she raised an eyebrow ‘Because you need to tell him right away if it was.’

He shook his head and looked at her finally. ‘No.’ he swallowed, ‘Well yes, but not like that and not intentionally.’ 

‘David.’ she warned him. ‘I love that cute button of a man, but everyone is capable of a dark side.’

‘No. No. Really.’ he sighed. ‘I was already in a state. We were at this party, and there was brandy and it tasted...like him. And Patrick drank it and tasted, like him’ he sighed, realising now that’s what started it. ‘And then...I spiralled. I thought I was ok, and then...it’s stupid.’ he knew he wasn’t getting away with it. ‘He just, covered my eyes, like in a normally would be super-cute-and-silly if your boyfriend wasn’t this damanged broken deranged fuck up.’ 

‘You know you’re not right.’ she said, playing with his hair again half ‘fixing’ it as well. ‘Like you get that he’s fixed you right?’

‘Did you not hear the story about last night?’ 

‘Mm hmm’ she said with that infuriating smug grin on her face ‘Ok well maybe fixed is a bit strong.’ she added. ‘But did you not hear the bit about you crying in your boyfriend’s arms? David you have never let anyone get that close.’

‘Hmm.’ he said fussing with his jumper. She was right. It was terrifying in a different way, but it hadn’t felt that way in the moment. It had felt overwhelming yes, terrified of what his brian was doing. But when Patrick had taken him in his arms he wasn’t scared of being left alone because of it. 

‘Go and talk to him.’ Alexis said, ‘he needs to know. He deserves to know. And you finally have someone to help you heal.’

Something caught in his throat then and his face crumpled. He looked down. He couldn’t start crying again now. He needed to pull himself together. 

He started counting in his head, and tapped his fingers. He didn’t say it out loud, but got through eight counts before Alexis noticed. 

‘Hey Josh Groban taught me that! He does it for anxiety too.’ she giggled ‘Oh my God David, Patrick is your very own Josh Groban.’

He glared at her and she nodded, even joining in while he finished. And he actually laughed as she finished the last with a flourish. He laughed as he finished the last eight count. Alexis could always be counted on to Alexis even in the new improved version. 

‘You know another thing Josh Groban and I talked about.’ she said, he shook his head ‘Writing things you can’t say.’

David looked at her blankly. 

‘Now for Josh, obviously that’s song writing. But like we totally talked about for him he writes down the things he can’t say out loud.’ she shrugged, ‘Can’t you do that with Patrick. If you like can’t actually talk about it?’

He thought for a second. Maybe. He’d never even written it in his journal himself. But it was worth a shot. 

‘Come on. I’ll walk you to the store.’ she said getting up and waving a hand. He busied himself collecting his things. 

‘David.’ Alexis said her voice serious, interrupting his thoughts. ‘Do you think maybe, I mean when you’re up to it, it’s time you told Dad about-’

‘Dad about what?’ Johnny asked coming in from his side of the room. 

David shoved his head in his bag and wiped furiously at his eyes. 

‘Dad! Don’t you knock?’ 

‘The door was open.’ he said. ‘Tell Dad what Alexis?’

‘Ugh nothing Dad. I think um Patrick had a like business question or something-’

‘He thinks one of his old Professors used to know you.’ David said turning around. ‘I um, can’t remember his name but he’s like sure they studied you or something. I’ll ask him.’

‘Oh. Oh well ok. Say was it Denis Sanderson?’ Johnny asked ‘I’m sure he did a Semester or two at McGill, that’s where Patrick went right?’

‘I don’t know.’ David snapped ‘I mean yes, it is of course i know where he went. I just don’t know if that’s the guy. I’m late. I just came here for. This.’ he picked up his bag. 

Johnny got a good look at David for the first time then and frowned ‘David are you ok? You don't look too well.’ 

‘Fine. Dad.’ he said hoisting the bag up. ‘Just...tired.’

‘Oh well if you’re sure. Don’t work to hard ok.’

David was already turning for the door. Alexis on his heels. ‘Ok see you later Dad.’ she called over her shoulder and steered David outside. 

‘Are we going to the Store or going to Patrick’s?’ she asked she waved the car keys which she had clearly grabbed before their Dad could ask where they were going.

‘The Store’ he said, ‘I should go to work.’ 

Alexis nodded. ‘Store it is.’ she said. ‘Also I need some libalm.’ 

David rolled his eyes as they got into the car. They arrived at the Store and David could see Stevie in there with Patrick. He immediately knew that she knew without even looking at her. And that was ok. He was glad it was out of his hands. With a nod to Patrick as he arrived, Alexis swept him off to help her with some imaginary lip balm emergency. Stevie followed him into the back room when he went to dump his bag.

‘Are you ok?’ she asked. He turned around and she took him in for the first time ‘Well you look like crap.’ she said. 

‘I didn’t exactly get much sleep.’ he said unravelling the scarf he’d worn in. 

She nodded. ‘We don’t have to talk about it. But I know you’ll know I know so we might as well say it now right?’

He nodded. 

‘So when you’re ready to...any of it...you know where I am yeah?’ 

He nodded again. 

‘Good.’ she said, turning to go, then came back. ‘Let him help you yeah?’ she said before spinning and going. With a shout to Alexis and Patrick he heard her go. And then the door as Alexis also left. They never needed to waste time with pleasantries and he was often grateful. He emerged from the back room to an empty Store, Patrick just walking over to the counter. He smiled softy. 

‘You ok?’ he asked. 

David nodded. 

‘I’m glad you came back.’ Patrick said, stepping around the counter and leaning on it. He saw David’s eyes flick up to his forehead where clearly the tinted moisturiser wasn’t doing a great job of covering up the bruise. 

‘I’m sorry.’ David said biting his lip and flicking his eyes up to the bruise. 

Patrick shook his head. ‘It’s nothing. And hey, we now know the tinted mosirutiser can’t also be sold as a concealer right?’ 

David nodded. ‘I’ll um...start restocking then.’ he said. 

Patrick nodded, he allowed himself to reach out and pass a hand over David’s back as he passed. He was relieved he was here. That was enough for now. 

As the afternoon went on things entered a subdued version of normal. They were quiet with each other, but things progressed as they normally did. David was fine with customers, seemed fairly absorbed in the day to day. There was no denying he was tired and strung out. But as the day went on Patrick relaxed a little, knowing David was at least, a bit more balanced now, and knowing he could keep an eye on him here. 

He was just about to start restocking the vegetables when David looked around, flailing a bit like he did when he wanted to do something but felt like he should ask permission. 

‘I’ll finish these then’ Patrick offered as a way in. 

‘Actually, if you don’t need me I’m going to do some planning for the fall out the back- just sketch out some ideas that sort of thing.’ David shifted awkwardly, aware he’d missed most of the day already. 

‘Sure’ Patrick smiled easily, ‘Makes sense, it’s quiet out here now, I’ll yell if I need you.’

David smiled and nodded. He did this every now and then, hid in the back room on one of the chairs to plan. It was obviously pretentious but being in the space meant he could be creative. So Patrick wasn’t suspicious. 

When he got there, resting his feet on a box, perched on a chair, he opened his notebook. Alexis better be right about this he considered as he started to write. 

A little later, David emerged from the back room. Not as long as he’d usually take Patrick mused, but hey creativity wasn’t his area. And he’d figured David just needed a break. 

He looked a bit subdued, but no more than earlier. Patrick smiled at him, a sort of half ‘are you ok?’ wrapped up in a greeting. When David got to him he snaked his arms around his neck and sort of half buried himself in Patrick sideways, until he shifted to hug him properly. ‘Hey’ Patrick said gently. 

‘Hi.’ David replied, detangling himself. ‘I um, wasn’t doing planning stuff back there.’ he shifted awkwardly, then reached inside his notebook and pulled out some folded sheets of notepaper, holding them out to Patrick. ‘I wrote it down.’ he explained, ‘All of it. I can’t say it...not yet, but I realised I could write it down...for you.’ he arched an eyebrow up. 

‘Thank you David.’ Patrick said softly, with a nod. ‘Shall I um...I’ll, read it later yeah?’

David nodded. Patrick carefully put the folded paper in his pocket, double checking it was inside. He held his arms out and hugged David again. There didn’t seem to be anything else to say at that point. Luckily seconds after they pulled apart some customers came in, and then more and more and before they knew it they were closing for the day. Everything was shut away and David was hovering near the candles. 

‘I’m going to organise the Winter stock that came in. And the window needs redressing. So I’m gonna..’ he trailed off biting his lip. 

‘I’m gonna go and get a tea.’ Patrick said, ‘And maybe take a walk?’

David nodded. 

‘You’re gonna be here? For a while?’

David nodded again. 

‘Ok then.’ Patrick went behind the counter to grab his phone and unhooked his jacket from the hook in the back room. He shrugged into it and put the carefully folded pages into his pocket. David was already in the window taking down the existing display. Patrick hesitated for a second behind him before taking a step towards him and hugging him tightly from behind. David paused in his work, hands full of candles and didn’t reciprocate. But Patrick heard a slight exhale before he let go. David couldn’t look at him so he nodded to himself before letting himself out. 

He quickly glanced back as he left, just to check and David had gone back to moving the window display. He understood what it was about, the Store was his safe space. It was somewhere he could control. And doing things in there- tidying organising had always been his way of relieving anxiety. Patrick could always tell when David was having a bad day by the amount of stock that got tidied. Usually he just let him get on with it, knowing it helped, and knowing quite rightly, his place was not in creative organisation. A few times he’d had to step in, when the organising looked like it was about to spiral along with David. The Store was also their shared space too, which he knew helped, in times when things were out of control. He felt better leaving David alone there than even in his apartment he realised. The Store forever felt safe. 

He reached the cafe and ordered a tea. 

‘Nothing for David?’ Twyla asked 

‘No he’s um…’ Patrick couldn’t think of a good excuse ‘Sulking because I made the wrong sandwich for lunch’ he scrambled. Luckily it worked and Twyla rolled her eyes and laughed. 

‘Well I’m sure he’ll get over it by dinnertime’ she said then with a wink she leaned under the counter and produced a paper bag ‘Muffins we were going to throw out.’ she said ‘They got a bit burned but I know the chocolate-orange are David’s favourite.’

Patrick smiled, and something in him wavered at Twyla’s kindness. He really was exhausted. ‘Thank you.’ he stuttered, taking them under his arm. ‘I’ll make sure he comes in and thanks you tomorrow.’ 

‘Tell him it’s his turn for a coffee run first thing.’ Twyla said with a smile before bouncing off to serve a customer. 

Patrick smiled to himself as he left. No matter how scary things felt right now, he’d never felt more ‘at home’ than he did here. If their world started imploding there were kind people who gave you muffins and a friendly smile just when you needed it. He’d not grown up in a small town, but he was beginning to see why people loved it so much. 

He sat down on a bench looking out over the grass. There was nobody else around, given it was freezing, and nearing 4pm that was hardly surprising. He sat for a moment taking a few sips of tea before he took the folded papers out of his pocket. 

David’s neat writing filled the page in a deep black ink, he often wrote in the fine felt pens he used for sketching and something about it, on the off-white paper felt so very much him.   
‘I’m sorry for writing this down. But I’ve never told anyone, and I’m not sure I can say it out loud. Even to you. I hope this makes some kind of sense.’ something pulled at Patrick’s heart already, but he steeled himself to carry on. 

‘I know I’ve got a lot of...history. But I needed you to know this story. I’ve healed so much from all of the others. But this one, this very specific one will probably be with me forever. And you deserve to know that. And know the truth of it, as much as I know it.’

Patrick could feel David’s stalling in the writing. 

‘It was 2004, the winter and I was at NYU. I hate to disappoint you but my College days were far less debauched than you might imagine. I came back for my third year...slightly subdued? For me. But that’s not the point right now. I spent that Semester actually concentrating on my studies. I...didn’t have many friends right then so it was easy enough to do. And I was for once, determined to do something right. Prove myself.’

Patrick smiled sadly at the familiar idea that David always had something to prove. Sad, yet warmed that he really had always been trying. 

‘Not really related to all that, a friend of my Dad’s had moved to New York. To teach at NYU actually on one of the business courses. Dad hassled me until I took his course, and of course even if he hadn’t known me, he noticed me in class. This could have all been very Rory Gilmore at Yale of me of course (do you even get that reference? If not we have a new TV project for you)’ 

Patrick smiled. Of course there was some cultural education in the bargain for him. 

‘Anyway he was nice to me. They always are right? Did I mention I didn’t have any friends? He would take me out to dinner and well ‘girls gotta eat’ right?’

Patrick could feel David deflecting as he would in person. He pressed on assuming, like David in person, the truth was buried under the quips somewhere. 

‘So we would go to dinner. First he framed it as ‘keeping an eye out’ for my Dad. And you know the fucked up thing? (the first fucked up thing) I think he did. I think the whole time he was emailing my Dad saying how he was looking out for me, making sure I was ok. My Dad would ask me- you know when he remembered to call me. And I would say ‘yeah great, he’s such a good teacher and yeah it was kind of him to take me to dinner, made sure I got one meal I didn’t order in or microwave’ all that. And it made my Dad happy. I know he always worried about me-rightly so, obviously. So I felt like I was doing the right thing going along with it. And it was fine, he was...nice. 

He’s not as old as my Dad. Before you wonder. I’m not that messed up. Well maybe I am. But he was this young entrepreneur...I guess he was nearly 50 by then, which is bad enough I know. But anyway. You know where this is going, it’s such a cliche I hate myself. One week after dinner, I went back to his place. You don’t need the details. But you need to know that part was on me. I agreed. I knew what I was doing.’

But you didn’t, Patrick thought. You were what, 19? This guy was 50. Even if you agreed, that was a power balance that wasn’t yours to agree to. He sighed and carried on. 

‘I always thought he was being nice to me. Looking back I see what he did- he wore me down, but built me up, then wore me down again. That makes no sense. But I’ve known a lot of people like that. Maybe you haven’t. He’d tell me I was doing well in his class, or that my art projects were good. He came to a show I put together. I thought he was supportive. But at the same time, he’d tear me down. Remind me I was a stupid kid (I was) tell me all the things I didn’t know anything about. Roll his eyes at things I hadn’t heard of- classical music was his big thing. I was ‘so uneducated’ in that I can’t read music, can’t play anything (God I hope that doesn’t make you think the same way)’

Patrick inhaled. He knew that was something David had been holding on to since he realised Patrick was musical. He made a note to let David know he was entirely self-taught and had failed every music exam he ever took. Very much Bruce Spingstein not Bach. 

‘Anyway, he chipped away at what is lets face it an already low bar. He’d make fun of things I didn’t know- especially business things- he’d talk about high brow cultural things I didn’t know about and made me feel stupid. Except I thought he was helping me. Here’s a thing you might not know, my Dad isn’t from a fancy family. He made his money from nothing. Mom too, which you do know, because she tells everyone, came from nothing. They’re both proud of that, but men like him ...well. And so I know we had money then but we weren’t ‘good enough’ you know?’

Patrick did know. He’d met enough of their sons in College. Business majors from the sons of high-flying business types. Patrick’s family were comfortably middle-class professionals all round, but his Dad’s middle management job at a medium sized company, in a medium sized City never quite felt like it could compete. Not with the kind of guys who asked ‘So yeah where does your Dad work?’ ‘He’s a management accountant at the Hydro company’ didn’t seem to be the answer they were looking for. So he might not have been ‘Rose Video’ but he got that.

‘This whole thing was over the first month or so of the Fall semester. Then by I guess October it had fallen into...something else. The kind of something else where you don’t know what it is but I knew I should always come over when I was summoned. And I was sad and lonely so I did.’

Not for the first time Patrick’s chest clenched at the thought of David back then. Even that young being so worn down. It wasn’t like his own teens and twenties had been easy, but he never remembered feeling like that. 

‘It got to Thanksgiving break, and of course I wasn’t going home. We didn’t even do real Thanksgiving that year. Our parents were working, obviously. Alexis was in New York visiting some guy (obviously) but we didn’t have plans other than her using my toiletries and me checking she was still alive.’

Patrick didn’t know what endeared him more, Davids enduring pedantic nature over which was ‘real Thanksgiving’ - not that he was wrong. Or the image of him and Alexis he could see so clearly even in their younger selves. 

‘Looking back on it I see things had been getting progressively...something. I didn’t want to be seeing him, but I felt like I should. I guess he could sense it too. But I kept going along with it. I guess it was easier or something.’

There was a clear streak of recognition there, Patrick felt keenly. 

‘Anyway, I went over there as usual. He was already drunk. Brandy. I can’t stand the smell to this day. That’s why...anyway. I just ignored him for a while. He was talking, drunkenly rambling. Telling me how stupid I was, the usual. Then he said something about my Mom. And I snapped. I’d been drinking too. He said she’d only married my Dad to get out of her ‘Trashy small town life’ and I snapped. Well you imagine what that feels like to write down now. This isn’t the point of the story Patrick-’

His heart leapt a little at the sight of his name. 

‘But I want you to know, while my parents weren’t always the best at being parents in the practical hands on sense, deep down I always knew they cared. But more importantly I never once doubted my parents loved each other. It’s quite disgusting now I think about it, how much they clearly always did. And I’m not saying my Mom isn’t crazy, because clearly she is. And I’m not saying my Dad’s money and connections didn’t help. But she always worked. So hard. They’re good people too, you know?’

Patrick smiled to himself. He did. He’d always been fond of David’s parents, and he didn’t doubt a word of what David was telling him. But despite the circumstances he was glad to hear it too. 

‘I snapped. I’ve no idea what I said now, but there was yelling. And throwing a drink and I was trying to storm out. I’m very good at that. But he was a big guy, and I was a skinny 19 year old (yes I was skinny...once...actually it was too many drugs and not enough food).’

Patrick decided to box that last bit away for another day. 

‘He blocked my way out. Pinned me against a wall. I tried to shove him off and he hit me. Nothing more than a slap across the face really, but hard enough to make me fall over. So I stayed. I figured that was safer. You get an instinct for that sort of thing I guess.’

They’d talked a little bit about that before. Patrick having never looked or sounded ‘different’ in the way David had. He’d gone through life blissfully ignorant of the kind of self-awareness David had cultivated. Still seeing it written out so starkly hit him hard. 

‘So I stayed. He gave me an ice pack for my face. And he said ‘Sorry about that, but if you hadn’t overreacted.’ and I sat there quietly drinking. It got later and he told me I was going to ‘make it up to him’ I tried to say no, I was going home. But like I said, he was a big guy, if he’d wanted to, he could have made me. So I went along with it.. You don’t need to know the details, but there were...things not even I am comfortable with (if you can believe it)’

It was then a tear finally escaped Patrick’s eye. In all this, in exposing things he assumed nobody else knew he was still trying to ease Patrick into it, protect both of them with jokes. It was the most painful of things to see. 

‘I tried to say no, I really did. I tried. But I couldn’t. I guess I was scared. Of...I don’t know. So I let him. And not just that night. I stayed all weekend because I didn’t think I could leave. I let him do whatever he wanted over and over again, because I was too weak to stand up to him or fight back or whatever. Sunday afternoon he went out, just down the street to the bodega and I hid in the bathroom - in case he came back faster than I thought- and called Alexis. I told her I needed her and where to come. And she did. She fucking hijacked her boyfriend’s Dad’s towncar to get me. I ran out, just in the clothes I came in- I lost a really good wool coat that day- and stood in the street, in the snow, freezing, soaked waiting for her. And he came back. He tried to drag me back inside. He, and this is fucked up, he told a passer-by it was a ‘family disagreement, Thanksgiving you know.’ ...And the driver Alexis brought with her was luckily big enough and scary enough...before that she got out of the car and refused to move. Alexis, totally inappropriately dressed for the weather shouting at this guy I couldn’t stand up to. She saw him hit me again. But we got out. Mainly thanks to her.’

Alexis was 15 he realised. He guessed she was the only one who knew. 

‘I didn’t tell her all of it. But I imagine she filled in some gaps. We went back to my place and she looked after me...I guess she dumped the boyfriend because she stayed all week. But we never talked about it. But she’s the only one who has ever known. I put it away in a box and tried to never think about it. I think last night was a perfect storm of accidental reminders and I’m sorry. I know it’s partly my fault for being young and stupid and getting myself in to stupid sitautions. But I thought you deserved to know what happened. I know I’m damaged goods, And you put up with so much. So I thought you deserved to know. I wish I’d been stronger, so you wouldn’t have to deal with this now. I’m sorry for that, for me. Whatever. But at least you know now?’

Patrick stuffed the pages into his pocket, throwing his undrunk tea into the bin, grabbing the bag of muffins, and ran- actually ran back to the Store. He wondered briefly what anyone who saw might think, but he didn’t care. He arrived his chest hurting from the cold and gasping for air. He forced himself to slow outside, get back some control. The main lights were off but the door was unlocked still. He threw it open and panicked momentarily when he couldn’t see David. He didn’t shout his name, didn’t want to alarm him, he stopped a second trying to sense where he might be. He ran to the storeroom instinctively. 

David was sitting on the floor, counting 1,1,2,1,1,2,3,2,1...he was about to get to four when Patrick burst in. He looked up his eyes wide and scared. Patrick had had visions of running in and wrapping him up in his arms but suddenly he felt like the life was sucked out of him. Slowly he knelt down next to David, who was sat, frozen mid count, his chest still heaving with the effort of staying in control not looking at him, slowly he turned his head and Patrick nodded at him. He carried on. Counting his way up to eight, and back again, while Patrick sat and waited. He finished, his breathing a bit calmer now. He looked down for a second before lifting his gaze to Patrick’s. 

In that second David pleaded with whatever higher power he could imagine that it would be ok, that Patrick wasn’t about to throw in all of this, for a step to far in the damaged goods area. That he wasn’t going to judge him for being so so stupid, for letting all that happen to him. That the thought of reliving nights like last night wasn’t too much for him to consider. That he wasn’t now repulsed by him. All of it. He turned and looked at his boyfriend hoping for something, anything to tell him otherwise. 

When David finally looked at him, locking eyes with him in a question, looking worried and scared. Patrick took both his hands in his. 

‘It’s not your fault. It was never your fault.’ Patrick said, he let go with one hand and touched David’s cheek, ‘It wasn’t your fault.’ he repeated ‘He’s to blame, not you. You hear me.’

David bit his lip, his face crumpling he nodded slowly, as something broke in him, quite different to last night. He felt himself pulled into Patrick who was cold and smelled of outside, but also perfectly of home. 

‘It’s not your fault.’ Patrick repeated into his hair as he started to cry. 

It felt like dissolving into him when Patrick opened his arms and pulled him in. And when he cried it wasn’t like last night, the desperate scared sobbing, it was like an emptying out. Like the tears just fell out of him along with something else, something he guessed he now shared with Patrick that nobody else had known. And he suddenly wasn’t as scared of it any more. Patrick held him for a long time on the cold floor, didn’t move away, didn’t ask him to do anything, he just held on. And when he finally stopped crying, Patrick reached up with the sleeves of his jumper to wipe his eyes and made David laugh by asking if this was ‘incorrect’ and David managed to say only if it was one of his sweaters, they could get Patrick a new one from The Gap. 

Patrick was relieved to see David smile, even at his terrible attempt at humour. He offered a hand and pulled him to his feet to take him home. Relieved when he agreed to come home with him. 

They spent a quiet evening at Patrick’s place. David ate, which was a good sign And he ate desert which was a better one. Patrick was careful with his touch, and with allowing David some space. But he curled into him as they watched TV and for a while everything felt like it was back to normal again. 

David had been thinking, as they settled happily into watching TV, as things seemed to feel if not normal, then better. That he had something more to tell Patrick. As they got ready for bed, he perched on the edge of the bed and called Patrick’s name as he was drying the last of the dishes. 

‘Can I talk to you for a second?’ he asked. 

Patrick nodded and walked over, sitting down next to David. He waited. 

David reached into his pocket and showed Patrick the pills. ‘I took these from my Mom’s drawer today.’ he explained. ‘I wasn’t trying to hurt myself’ he added quickly before Patrick jumped to any conclusions, ‘Not like that anyway. Just, I knew these would help...sleep, calm me down...numb me...whatever.’ he paused again, ‘I used to do that a lot. When things got too much.’

He paused again giving Patrick a chance to take in what he’d said. Or reply. He nodded slowly. 

‘But you didn’t take them?’ he traced a finger over the pills in David’s hand. Then looked up at him. He shook his head. ‘Why?’ 

‘I came back and wrote you that letter.’ he said, then mirrored Patrick’s tracking a finger through the handful of pills, ‘And I hoped I wouldn’t need them.’

‘And?’ Patrick asked. 

He nodded, and gestured his hand towards Patrick who held out his own. David emptied them into it. ‘I think I’m ok.’ he said ‘I mean I’m clearly not ok on many levels, but I think you should hold onto them not me.’

Patrick closed his hand over the pills and nodded. This was a lot, a lot to process. It wasn’t news to him that David had taken a lot of things- legal and otherwise-over the years. Or that he used them to self-medicate against the darker reaches of his life. But being confronted with it so starkly after everything, was a lot. ‘Thank you.’ he said, finally.

David raised an eyebrow in a silent ‘for what?’ and Patrick replied with a small smile ‘For trusting me’ he said quietly. David nodded. Patrick stood up and walked to his nightstand with the pills. He had a small box in there of various medications and he threw those on top and shut the lid. He hoped it was a sign that he knew David might still need them one day, and that he trusted that, however questionable the impulse or execution. But that he valued David trusting him too. Then he walked back to where David sat, not looking at him. He rested his hands on his shoulders and he finally looked up. David looked exhausted, and wounded, but ok. Reassured he nodded at him. 

‘I love you.’ he said, keeping his eyes locked with David to make sure he heard him. 

David’s face crumpled a bit but he managed an ‘I love you.’ back. Tentatively Patrick reached down and kissed him, and as they pulled away, David wrapped his arms around Patrick’s waist and pulled him in close, holding on for a long time. 

It was late, as they lay in bed, Patrick was curled around David, who had been quiet and still for a long time, Patrick assumed he was finally asleep, when he heard his name, barely above a whisper. 

‘Yeah?’ 

‘I think I want to tell my Dad.’

‘Ok.’

‘Will you go with me?’

‘Of course.’ he curled himself in a bit tighter to David, holding on tight until he was sure he was asleep again. 

They agreed on Friday. Two days later. Patrick understood David needed some space between telling him, and telling his Dad. That he needed to prepare himself too. He’d also carefully planned it for when he knew Moira would be out at Town Council, and his Dad should be on a break for lunch, and if not Patrick knew they could rely on Stevie to help them out.

As it happened, Johnny was in his room as planned, just boiling a kettle for tea when they arrived, via David and Alexis’ room. 

‘David! Where have you been it feels like days since we’ve seen you?’

‘Mmm’ David managed, shuffling into his parent’s room. Quickly double checking his Mom in fact was not there. 

‘And Patrick too!’ Johnny continued, ‘Good to see you, come on in, I was making tea can I get you one?’

‘Yes please Mr Rose.’ Patrick said, ‘David will too. We haven’t had a coffee break today.’ David sent Patrick a silent look of thanks for answering for him. 

‘Working hard.’ Johnny said with a smile, turning to busy himself with the kettle, ‘That’s what I like to see. You know when I was setting up Rose video I was doing 18 hour days the first year, no help, at least you’ve got each other.’

David flopped into one of the chairs at the table, resting his elbows on it and rubbing his face with his hands. Patrick moved to take two of the cups from Mr Rose. He put them down in front of him and David and took a sip, then swapped them around, David’s deadly sweet three sugars making his teeth ache. David wrapped his hands around the mug but didn’t drink.

‘You’re quiet David.’ Johnny said sitting down. 

‘I’m tired.’ he said quietly. 

Something in the way he said it got Johnny’s attention and he sat up straight. He’d seen David looking beaten and tired before and it was never a good sign. He had a sudden fear. ‘Are you, I mean are you two…’

‘Oh no Mr Rose, I promise everything is fine.’ Patrick answered quickly, an arm around David’s shoulders, possibly reassuring both of them. ‘Honestly, we’re good. Really good.’ Patrick smiled at him and he was reassured. There was something endlessly reassuring about Patrick in general Johnny mused, or at least the effect he had on David. Who visibly relaxed at his touch.

‘So what’s going on?’ Johnny asked. ‘David are you ill?’ again there had been times he’d seen David strung out and looking beaten like this and it had never been a good thing. 

‘Dad I um wanted to talk to you about something. It happened a long time ago, and I’m fine...don’t worry.. but I umm…’

‘It just felt like the time, right David?’ Patrick interjected.

‘Right.’ David said, taking a sip of his tea, and finally looking at his Dad who was frowning at him now. ‘Dad, do you ever hear from Peter Frampton?’

‘He was at NYU when you were?’ 

Patrick sensed David tense but didn’t respond. 

‘Yeah, do you hear from him ever?’

‘Well no, now you mention it. I mean I think he moved to England for a bit, and well to be honest David you know I don’t really hear from anyone any more.’

David nodded. ‘Ok.’

‘David what’s this about?’ 

‘Do you remember that I would spend time with him, when I was taking his course? He took me to dinner and...whatever.’

Johnny nodded slowly, ‘Yes as I recall I asked him to keep an eye out for you. Your Mother and I were worried about you then, after that summer, you’d barely gone out of the house and you seemed so ...lonely. I asked him to check if you were ok.’ 

Something sank in Patrick’s stomach. Johnny’s care for his son was clear, even at the times when David hadn’t been aware of it. But this was going to come crashing down once he knew. He reached over and took David’s hand. 

‘David?’ Johnny asked, seeing the look on Patrick’s face. 

‘He did what you asked.’ David said slightly bitterly ‘And then some.’ he traced a pattern on his jeans with his free hand and Patrick squeezed at his hand. ‘He took me out a lot and then it became...something else’ David flicked his eyes up to look at his Dad who took a second to register, before his eyebrows shot up. 

‘Oh. Oh. Well I had no idea he was interested in…’ Johnny shrugged ‘Not that it matters of course. But he’d just gotten divorced, maybe he was realising that...you know experimenting after years of-’ he caught himself and looked at Patrick, ‘I’m so sorry I didn’t mean Patrick I mean-’

Patrick went to say it was fine, he knew that, but David cut him off. 

‘Very much not the same thing Dad. Nothing at all in fact don’t ever say-’

‘David. David’ Patrick got his attention with a hand to his neck, ‘He didn’t mean that. He doesn’t know.’ 

David let out a breath. Feeling the weight of Patrick’s hand on his neck and the soft reassurance as he moved it to his back. 

‘Shall I…?’ Patrick asked, coming to his rescue. David nodded into his lap. He felt Patrick take his hand again. ‘Mr Rose, David only told me this a couple of days ago, after something happened…’ Patrick floundered a bit but refocused, thinking about helping David, ‘Something happened few nights ago that, well it triggered a lot of these memories, and David was upset’ Patrick squeezed David’s hand letting him know he was sharing this for him, he was on his side, ‘So upset it scared me Mr.Rose if I’m honest.’

Johnny was watching Patrick, he was so caring, so protective of David, who still wasn’t looking up. He knew that his son was a grown man who quite often had made it clear he didn’t need his Father’s help, even when he clearly did. But he also knew he’d been hurt and damaged by life, probably far more than Johnny knew. And because of that, right now Johnny had a knot in his stomach thinking about whatever had pushed Patrick, calm, unflappable Patrick, to have that look on his face. 

‘Now I’m just going to sort of retell what David’s been able to tell me, but I think it might be easier if I try and tell you.’ he squeezed David’s hand again, and he managed to nod and glance over at him giving him the ok to continue. 

Johnny nodded. David was looking down again, he couldn’t be sure but he looked like he was crying. ‘Just tell me what’s going on.’ he said gently. 

‘This man- Peter-’ Patrick realised he had only just learned his name ‘He struck up a relationship with David, of sorts. The...ethics of that aside as a teacher and student’ Patrick raised an eyebrow and saw Johnny doing the same ‘The ethics aside, from what David’s told me, it was, ok for a while. He did do as you asked at first Mr Rose, he looked out for David in class they went to dinner. And then it evolved into something...else.’ Patrick sighed, ‘Which was consensual, and David was an adult but…’ he trailed off. 

‘Peter was his teacher. And my friend.’ Johnny said tensely, ‘And he was 51, you were 19 David.’ he instantly regretted his tone, afraid David would interpret him as blaming him- as he usually did in these situations. ‘He shouldn’t have done that.’ Johnny added. 

Patrick nodded. Glad Mr Rose was on the same page. ‘I agree’ he said, switching the hand that was in David’s to reach the other one around his shoulders. He was crying now heavier and his shoulders shook a little as Patrick reached over. ‘David do you want me to stop?’ he asked. David shook his head and finally straightened up, wiping at his eyes. 

‘He shouldn’t have done that.’ Johnny repeated when David finally looked at him. David nodded, reassured by his Dad’s certainty in that. He felt his hands shaking though, and he knew Patrick felt it. He nodded at him to continue. 

‘So things, changed and then...went badly’ Patrick paused letting Johnny and David catch up. ‘I think David was ready to end it, but he couldn’t for various reasons. Is that fair David?’ 

David nodded, wiping his face on his sleeve. He looked up at his Dad checking again whether he was angry. He was frowning at him. 

‘David.’ Patrick said gently ‘I think it’s important you tell your Dad the next part. I can help but i think you need to tell him.’ 

David looked at Patrick, so patient and kind and willing to take all of this burden from him. But he was right. He nodded at Patrick then looked back at his Dad, who was waiting with equal patience and kindness on his face. 

‘Just tell me Son.’ Johnny said. 

‘Patrick’s right- he’s always right’ David rolled his eyes ‘This...thing was ok for a while but it wasn’t right. I wanted to get out. But you know that was not my best year...so I just went along with it, for a couple of months.’ he paused trying to find the best way to explain it to his Dad. ‘The Thanksgiving break- their Thanksgiving obviously’ he caught his Dad's smile at that, pedantry over that holiday was a shared joke. ‘I um, tried to end it. He wasn’t happy. That’s an understatement.’

‘He’s a man used to getting what he wants.’ something darker had crept into Johnny’s tone. 

‘Right. Um well I guess you could say he got what he wanted from me.’ David said ‘Even, when I ...didn’t want to give it.’ he flicked his eyes up to his Dad willing him to understand without him having to go into details. Johnny’s eyes widened, indicating he did, and David ploughed on before he lost his nerve. ‘I tried to leave and...he hit me.’ he heard his Dad inhale and he couldn’t look up again. He swallowed looking down at the table. 

‘It’s ok’ he heard Patrick say softly next to him ‘We love you.’

‘David’ he heard his Dad say across the table ‘Tell me’

‘He hit me when I tried to leave. So I stayed. And I feel weird saying he forced me to do the other stuff because I just stopped fighting because it was easier, I stayed and I let him do...whatever, because it was easier.’ he took a breath ‘Except’

Something tightened in Patrick. Was there something he’d left out? 

‘Except there was.’ David continued ‘I told Patrick there was stuff I wasn’t comfortable with- I made a joke about it I’m sorry, who thought there was stuff David Rose wasn’t comfortable with.’ He lifted his eyes ‘Sorry Dad’ instead of the mild discomfort or revulsion at talking about his sex life he saw a look on his Dad’s face that broke his heart, and then his Dad reached up and wiped at his eyes and something ripped apart in David’s chest. 

‘I’m so sorry Dad.’ he said. 

Johnny sat up sharply, wiping at his nose and eyes and refocusing. He leaned over and put a hand on David’s knee, trying not to take it personally when he jumped. He was on edge, being near ripped apart by this. ‘No.’ Johnny said firmly, but kindly ‘You don’t ever apologise for him.’

David nodded. He felt his Dad let go and lean back. He wiped at his own face and took a breath. He sensed Patrick move and hand him his tea and he took a slow sip realising his throat felt raw. He took a moment attempting to compose himself before going in for what was the hardest thing he was ever going to say to either of them. 

‘He was violent, I mean we know that, he hit me when I tried to leave. But he got worse. I cracked a rib. My face was...well Alexis knows. She saw it.’

‘Alexis knows?’ Johnny asked neutrally. 

David shook his head, ‘She doesn’t know all of it. Most of it. She got me out though.’ he laughed hollowly ‘Nobody can manipulate a boyfriend’s driver like her.’ he paused again, ‘But she got me out though. And she knows I’m telling you today.’ 

Johnny nodded, letting him continue. 

‘And there was other stuff, he forced me into, stuff that I didn’t want to do. Not just...sleeping with him, which obviously by then I didn’t want to but...things he made me do. Though I think the specifics of that are just a conversation for me and Patrick.’ he glanced over, a silent apology at not telling him sooner, Patrick shook his head slightly, it didn’t matter. 

‘Step by step.’ Patrick said gently, ‘It’s fine.’ 

David nodded, ‘I was there for two days, like that. I drank a lot, to get through. I took things to sleep...It’s all a bit of a blur, and I guess that’s why in part I never...I never felt that I…could’ he shrugged. ‘but for two days I let him because I didn’t know what else to do.’ he wiped at his face tears rolling down it now ‘I’m sorry Dad.’

He buried his face in his hand as sobs escaped. And he felt Patrick’s arms around his back, rubbing up and down trying to calm him but then he was gone and for a second he was confused, until he smelled his Dad’s familiar cologne and felt himself pulled forward into his arms. David wrapped his arms around his Dad’s waist and cried into his shirt. He felt like he was nine again and had run to his Dad after the kids in school made fun of him in soccer practice. His Dad wrapped a strong hand around his head and pulled him tighter and he sobbed. 

‘Don’t ever say you’re sorry for that David.’ Johnny said as his son sobbed into his shirt, ‘I love you.’ he added holding on a bit tighter. Letting him cry. He’d worried for David a lot over the years, but he’d worried about his sensitive son getting his heart broken once too often, or he’d worried about the bullies of the world from school through to work. He’d never thought he had to worry about something like this, from someone he’d trusted, from someone he’d brought into his life. He pulled him a little closer, dipping his head down to hide his tears a bit.

Patrick bit his lip trying to stop himself crying. He’d peeled himself off David to hand him to Johnny and his heart felt like it might crack at the sight of David so broken and vulnerable, but also Johnny looking after him.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t get there sooner David.’ Alexis said from the doorway. Patrick looked over at her and nodded, she was looking serious, maybe like she was trying not to cry. Johnny held out an arm and she came over to them both and buried herself in the hug as well. Patrick saw David pull an arm out and cling onto her dress with it. Patrick sat back and let them cling onto each other for a moment. When he looked up Alexis was looking at him ‘Thank you.’ she mouthed. He nodded and smiled. The three of them detangled themselves and David had calmed a bit, Johnny ran a hand over his shoulder before sitting back down. As soon as Johnny and Alexis released David, Patrick leaned in and rested an arm across his shoulders so he didn’t feel alone for even a second. David glanced over at him gratefully. 

Johnny looked seriously at the two of them. ‘Should we, I mean do you want to do anything about this...legally or whatever?’ he asked, ‘I know we, you should but I understand it’s...difficult.’

David shook his head. ‘It was too long ago, and his lawyers would bury us, you know that.’ he said bitterly. ‘He doesn’t work at the school anymore, so he’s not likely to be doing the same...i mean he probably is the bastard, but ..’ he trailed off. 

Patrick nodded, he understood where David was coming from. Peter wasn’t in that particular position of power anymore, which meant he was less likely to be hurting people in the same position as David. It was an impossible moral dilemma, the desire to see justice brought, protect others. But they also had a duty to David, to protect him. 

‘If you ever change your mind, you know we’d all support you.’ Patrick said ‘But I understand why you wouldn’t want to.’ 

David nodded not looking at either of them. He knew there was one more thing. ‘What about…’ he stared at the ground before looking up at his Dad. 

Johnny nodded, ‘I’ll speak to your Mother.’ he said. 

‘Speak to your Mother about what?’ Moria’s voice cut through the room with, as ever, impeccable dramatic timing, banging the door behind her. Instinctively Patrick tightened his hold on David who inhaled sharply. ‘My goodness’ Moira continued shutting the Motel door behind her, ‘Why is it like a deathbed scene in here?’

There was a moment of heavy silence. Johnny stood up, ‘Kids, why don’t you go next door while we talk.’

‘John what’s going on?’ Moria asked, crossing over to where they were all huddled. 

David looked between his parents and nodded. 

‘I’ll explain in a second sweetheart.’ he said. Something in his tone stopped Moria in whatever avalanche of questions she had as she watched Alexis reach out a hand and pull David after her into their room. Patrick stood up to follow, but when he got to the door turned back. 

‘David? Mr Rose?’ he said, ‘If it’s ok I’d like to stay-’

To his shock Mrs Rose didn’t interject speculating on something between him and David. Instead Johnny cut him off with a. 

‘I think that’s a good idea Patrick.’ He gave a small smile, he was oddly proud of Patrick for stepping up like this. For his protectiveness towards David, it was clear he would do anything to protect him, to do right by him. And it was right that he be involved in this conversation, if David couldn’t be. Patrick nodded at him, and Johnny saw the look between him and David before Alexis ushered her brother into the other room. 

‘Sit down Moira, David told us something today you should hear.’ 

In their bedroom Alexis shooed David over to his bed and they perched together. David with his knees drawn up to his chest, Alexis leaning against the wall. David could feel the tension rising in his chest again and he struggled to catch his breath. Alexis poked him with her foot and held up eight fingers, raising an eyebrow. 

‘It’s good enough for Josh Groban’ she said with a smile. 

He nodded and they started counting together. By the time the got to the third round through he felt better. His mind was swimming into focus again and he could breathe a bit. 

‘I don’t hear yelling.’ he said. ‘That’s good right.’ 

‘She’s not going to freak out.’ Alexis said, tossing her hair and then fixing him with a serious expression, ‘She’s going to be heartbroken for her kid.’ she looked down, ‘Like we all are. It’s not fair what happened to you.’

He nodded. ‘You got me out of there.’ he said looking at her, ‘Thank you.’

‘I just bribed a driver. And a boyfriend. It’s my skillset.’ she reached out a hand and he took it for a second and smiled. ‘Besides I probably owed you for many an Embassy trip on my behalf.’

‘Oh you did.’ he said with a smile. He looked at the door. ‘How long do you think…’

Just as he said it the door clicked open. Patrick came in first, his hands in his pockets, he gave a little nod to David, trying to reassure him, then jerked his head back to his parent’s room. David glanced over at Alexis who shrugged, and David hauled himself up, walking past Patrick back inside. 

His Mom was sitting on the bed, his Dad hovering nearby. She patted the bed next to her. He was slightly unnerved, having expected hysterics, at least some shouting, not really at him but just in general. Zero to a hundred was after all Moira Rose's default setting. He sat next to her and waited. She looped her arm through his and pulled him in. 

‘Your Father and Patrick told me everything.’ she said. ‘We don’t have to talk about it, but we can always talk about it.’ 

He lifted his eyes up to her and nodded, then reached his arms around her. He wasn’t crying this time, he was probably, for now, cried out. But he let himself get pulled into his Mom. He could feel her crying, and the weight of his Dad sitting down the other side of him, reaching around both of them. 

Patrick looked over at Alexis, then offered her an arm. She gratefully leaned into him. It was hurting them all to see David so broken. But Patrick sensed also he needed a moment with his parents, he nodded back to Alexis and David’s room and steered her in there. She pulled him into a tight hug- she really did share her brother’s ability to half-strangle you with a hug. When she detangled herself she went to the wardrobe and rummaged inside. 

‘Emergency booze’ she declared appearing with a bottle of Vodka. ‘I’d say we need some.’

‘No arguments here.’ Patrick said going into the bathroom to retrieve a glass. 

David sat with his parents for a long time. Unusually for the three of them, in silence. After a while his Dad got up and brought him a glass of water. 

‘Here’ Johnny said, ‘You’ll get a headache from dehydration.’ 

David nodded sitting up and taking it. 

‘Are you ok?’ he looked between them both. 

Johnny sat next to him again. ‘This isn't about whether we’re ok. It’s about whether…’ Johnny gestured at David. 

‘You never told anyone before?’ Moira asked, ‘Not even in all the therapy you had?’ 

‘Well most of that was before…’David trailed off. ‘But no. I got very good at keeping it in its box.’ he finished the water. ‘It was an accident it came out really. If we hadn’t gone to the party, or Patick hadn’t…God hit him, I mean I know not on purpose, I know he knows not on purpose, but I hit him and it’ll always be there that I did that and does that-’

‘No.’ Moira said cutting him off, ‘No it does not. You share nothing with that man David.’ he voice was uncharacteristically low and quiet. 

‘Anyway it was an accident.’ Johnny added, ‘Anyone can accidentally do that. Your Mother has more than once caught me with a handbag to the face, and the odd ring.’

‘It’s not my fault you’re not quite optimally tall John.’ Moria said with a small smile. 

‘Well Moira if you didn’t insist on five inch heels on the beach we’d have avoided at least one of those times.’

‘It was a scratch John.’

‘To my cornea!’ Johnny caught himself. Luckily David had a soft smile on his face while looking down at his lap. ‘The point is, you didn’t mean to any more than your Mother did those times.’ 

David half smiled as well, nodding. They were quiet a moment, until Moira reached up to his hair, playing with it, smoothing out the mess where he’d been buried in her dress. He closed his eyes for a second. 

‘I don’t think it was an accident.’ she said, David opened his eyes and flicked them sideways at her. ‘Oh not that dear’ she added quickly, ‘I mean that this came out now.’ David sat up and frowned at her. She ran a hand over his hair again and rested it on his shoulder fixing him with her cool blue eyes and a soft expression. ‘He’s made you vulnerable-but in the very best way. Chipped away at all your walls. And so this finally escaped.’

‘And now I’ve dumped all this crazy on him.’ David flailed his arms, without much energy but in an attempt to convey something else that was eating away at him. 

‘You let him see something true. And that boy sees you. For all that you are. I told you that before.’ 

‘I’m still not convinced that’s a good thing.’ David muttered looking down ‘Not if this...happens.’ 

‘He’s here.’ Johnny interjected. ‘He stood with me and told your Mother what happened. He’s waiting next door with your sister.’ 

‘And you let him see you.’ Moria said, smoothing his hair down again. ‘You trust him enough to catch you when you fall, so you could finally share the most frightening thing in your head.’ she patted his hair down and ran her hand over his neck. Something she used to do when he was small. He leaned into her, and felt his Dad reach around them both again. 

‘Your Mother is right.’ Johnny said, ‘He’s a good man David. And he sees you.’ 

‘It’s how I knew about your Father.’ Moria said over his head and he could feel her smiling at his Dad in it, ‘I could trust him with the darkest parts of me. And he’s never let me down.’

Johnny tightened his grip around them. ‘Sweetheart, I loved all of you from the start.’

‘Such a charmer.’ Moria beamed, then quieter in David’s ear said, ‘But it’s true.’

David exhaled and let them hold him for a few seconds more. He pushed himself fully upright and took a couple of breaths. ‘Thank you.’ he said with a nod, looking over to his Dad first.

Johnny nodded, taking in his son, who looked more than a little broken, but also stronger than he’d seen him before. He hoped this was healing not the start of something breaking in him. He gave David a tight smile and ran a hand over his hair and down his neck. David looked over at his Mom. He felt a pang of guilt that his Dad was likely looking at a night of fallout from this. She wouldn’t mean to but she’d channel whatever emotional reaction she was holding in for his benefit at some likely maniac energy later. He couldn’t let himself be overwhelmed by the fact she was holding it back for his benefit. She’d clearly in the moment realised quickly what she needed to do for him. For all her talk of lack of maternal instinct, when it counted she knew what her kids needed. Even if his Dad was going to bear the brunt of it later on. His Dad could handle it though, he was used to it, he signed up to it forty years ago after all. She took his face in her hands and kissed the top of his head. 

‘You’ll be ok.’ she said. He nodded. 

‘I should…’ he gestured to the next room, getting up. He walked slowly over to the door, and even before he got to the door his Dad had wrapped his Mom in his arms. He gave them a half smile and a nod before going into his room. 

Alexis and Patrick had a bottle between them and two glasses. Alexis poured another large shot and pressed it into his hand. He didn’t argue and downed it. She didn’t speak and neither did Patrick. Alexis got up, pulled him into a hug, refilled the glass, watched him down it, nodded and sat back down. Patrick finished his own shot, with the briefest of looks at David agreed their course of action and got up. He found himself pulled into another fierce hug from Alexis before following David to the door. 

When they left Alexis downed another shot before letting herself cry. Seconds after the door to their room shut, the door to her parents room opened and her Dad stood there. She got up and hurried to him, quickly getting wrapped in his arms. 

‘Thank you for helping him. You kids always were there for each other.’ Johnny whispered as Alexis clung on to him, she nodded into his shoulder, and when she stepped back a bit he steered her into their room. Her Mom was curled up on the bed, and patted the space next to her. Alexis nodded, and went to her, curling up in the bed, then getting pulled into her Mom, who patted her hair, playing with the curls a little while Johnny moved over to the kitchen. 

‘Tea?’ Johnny asked, gesturing to the kettle. 

Alexis nodded, ‘Please.’

‘Are you going to Ted’s tonight sweetheart?’ Johnny asked while he watched the kettle, just hoping to fill the silence. 

‘I was, but I think I’m just gonna hang out here.’ Alexis said, ‘He’s busy and, well night in, whatever.’

‘That sounds like a good idea dear.’ Moira said, ‘Besides that Lifetime movie in which dear Sandy Gibson is awful is on, we should watch that.’

‘Mm hmm’ Alexis said, burying a bit deeper into the pillow and reaching an arm over to her Mom. 

‘Well then that’s settled.’ Johnny said, bringing over the tea and handing both of them a cup, before retrieving his own and settling on his side of the bed. Alexis reached over a hand to him and smiled. ‘I’ll run to the cafe for some dinner later.’

‘Always looking out for us John.’ Moira smiled over Alexis’ head at him. He nodded at her, it was the least he could do. He clung onto Alexis a little bit tighter and she smiled at him over his tea. 

‘You do Dad.’ she said. ‘Really you do.’ 

He nodded a silent thanks. Quieting everything in his head that told him he’d done otherwise. 

The drive home to Patrick’s place was silent. He kept glancing over to check on David, and he seemed ok. Just lost in thought staring out the window. He always worried when David was quiet but Patrick reminded himself it was ok, he was probably just drained. And what he needed from Patrick right now was just to be looked after, to feel safe. So Patrick resolved to spend the evening doing just that. 

‘Do you want tea? Or...something stronger?’ Patrick asked when they got back to his place. 

David yawned. Then shrugged. Then sort of half collapsed into Patrick’s sofa. He looked awful. Like everything had hit him all at once on the drive home. 

‘Why don’t you take a nap?’ Patrick suggested, ‘You haven’t slept properly really since…’ he shrugged.

‘I’m fine.’ David said, curling up on his end of the sofa. 

‘I’ll make tea then.’ Patrick said. As he stared at the kettle he started thinking about the thing he’d been avoiding for the last three days. He sighed and put teabags in the cups. 

‘What is it?’ David asked from across the room. ‘I can see you thinking.’

‘Don’t worry about it.’ Patrick said, clattering around with the cups and teabags. It isn't’ about you he reminded himself. Just look after him. 

‘Tell me’ David said evenly. Something was bothering him he could see from here. He might be exhausted, but he owed it to Patrick to hear out, whatever it might be. 

Patrick locked eyes with him again, he owed him this honesty as well after all of this; ‘I feel like I’m responsible, and I know this sounds like I don’t know I’m trying to take away from what you’re going through or something and I’m sorry if that’s what it sounds like’ David was looking at him with soft eyes waiting, ‘I just feel if somehow I hadn’t made you go to that party, if I hadn’t got drunk and done...a silly thing...then you wouldn’t have had to go through all that.’ he sighed, he knew he shouldn’t say it, this wasn’t about him, but he suddenly hit on what he was trying to say. ‘It’s not about me feeling bad, that’s I mean it’s fine, I just...wish I could take away some of this, your pain and if I hadn’t done any of those things then maybe we wouldn’t...be here.’

‘Patrick.’ David said.

‘No it’s not right.’ Patrick continued, ‘I know I push you sometimes and I know you’ve got stuff you want to keep locked up, and I think it’s good for you to tell me but I feel like I pushed you too far, and I’ve made you suffer, and I hate that I did this to you.’

‘Patrick.’ David repeated. ‘Patrick’ David said with a tone that got him to turn around. David held up his fingers, ‘One, one two-’ he began. 

Patrick rolled his eyes, ‘Don’t be ridiculous. I’m fine.’ Patrick said. He couldn’t help but smile a little. 

The kettle clicked off and there was silence. 

‘For focus, even if you don’t need to calm down.’ David raised an eyebrow. 

Patrick rolled his eyes again. But David held his hands up again. He gave in and counted. One-one-two-one, One-two-three-two-one, One two three four three two one. Slowly up the scale, with David doing the same quietly. Then down again. David’s eyes fixed on him the whole time. He had to admit it worked. His mind was clearer, he felt focused. He closed his eyes when they were done. 

David bit his lip and nodded, he looked down, thinking. He hated to see Patrick feel so bad, so responsible. Then suddenly a load of pieces fell into place. He smiled slowly and looked up. He hauled himself up and crossed the space to where Patrick was leaning on the counter, his arms folded looking down. David stood in front of him putting his hands on his shoulders forcing him to look at him.

‘What?’ Patrick asked his eyes wide. 

‘You did take away the pain.’ his face serious again. 

Patrick frowned, ‘David, what I put you through, and I know- I know none of it was intentional, but what I did-’

David wrapped his arms around Patrick’s neck and dropped his head, looking Patrick in the eye. 

‘My Mom was right.’ David said, ‘And you know I don’t say that lightly’ he added. 

‘About what?’ Patrick said with a shrug looking defeated and confused now. 

‘Listen to me ok?’ David said dipping a little so he was in Patrick’s eyeline while he continued to avoid his gaze. He rubbed his hands up and down his neck. ‘Please?’

Patrick nodded, and at last reached out for David’s waist. He took that as a sign he was back on board, listening to him. David moved his hands around to Patrick’s back and held him for a second earning him a ‘what?’ look. 

David nodded, why was this harder than all the other things suddenly. ‘My Mom’s theory.’ he began ‘Is until someone broke down all the other...stuff I’d never tell them. You did that’

‘Well that-’ Patrick started, David held up a hand. 

‘What she means though- translation from Moira Rose- and maybe David Rose’ he smiled, ‘Without really knowing it I made it so that had no choice but to come out. Because without really knowing it you’d help me break down all the stuff that was keeping it in.’ he paused, ‘Don’t get me wrong I’m still very, very damaged goods.’ he watched Patrick’s face twitch a bit at that, he knew he hated him talking about himself like that, ‘But I know I can be damaged goods with you.’ he looked up ‘Which is why I was finally able to tell someone. Tell you.’ 

Patrick nodded at him, not quite able to speak yet. He hurt for David, so much. But he was hopeful, that this was a healing move. That he could be ok. He would be. 

‘So’ David continued. ‘So I guess it kind of is your fault for making me feel all kinds of things.’ he wiped at his eyes. 

Patrick half laughed and felt a stab at his chest. It made sense. David had locked it up so tightly along with who knows what else, but if he’d made cracks in that armour. He nodded slowly. ‘I’m sorry.’ he said. 

David’s mouth quirked into a half smile ‘I’m not.’ he said. 

And that pushed Patrick over the edge, tears spilled out. He sniffed and tried to wipe at his face, annoyed at himself. But David reached over and rubbed a thumb over his cheek wiping the tears away. 

‘Thank you Patrick.’ he said tilting his head. He bit his lip and nodded. Understanding what David was telling him too. David leaned in and kissed him. 

‘I’m going to make that tea.’ Patrick said, wiping his eyes. David smiled and nodded.

‘Ok.’ he said. He watched contentedly as Patrick busied himself with the tea again. He felt battered and exhausted from the last few days, and he could feel himself crashing and crashing fast. But he felt safe. He smiled as Patrick handed him his cup and they crossed the room back to the sofa. He caught the look where he checked in that he was ok, but also the one where he looked at him just with love. He’d been scared all this would change how Patrick looked at him. As he put down the cups and kissed him again there was no denying the same look as ever was there, with maybe something different, but not bad different. He smiled a thank you and leaned into Patrick the moment he sat down. Feeling himself pulled in and wrapped up in his arms immediately. Knowing he’d be asleep in moments.

**Author's Note:**

> This story actually started as a way to use the 1-2-1 exercise. Somehow it went down some dark corridors in my mind after that, but ultimately healing ones. 
> 
> But it's dedicated to one of my best friends and surrogate little brother, who does use 1-2-1 for post-seizure check ins, and taught me to use it for anxiety and panic attacks. And who also introduced me to this little show. 
> 
> And also dedicated to anyone, like David who needs to break down some walls to heal a little.


End file.
